You’re the kind of girl that knows there is more to life than spending all day primping to no end. You know that your personality matters, that who you are and what you do is vitally important, and that there is more to you than what you look like. That being said, you also want to look good and you know there’s nothing wrong with that and there’s no sense in forgoing that aspect of yourself just because you’re worried about seeming superficial. However, the hard part is that you know you like to look good and you know what actually looks good, but it’s hard. It’s effort. Like, too much effort.
Some women, when they wear heels, look like majestic unicorns, gliding along the pavement as if gravity does not apply to them. But, you? It’s a second to second struggle to keep it together, every dip in the street a hazard, every second your mind wanders a potential to fall flat on your face. You’ll be shopping and see a heel that you know is amazing, but then you’ll flash-forward to having to walk in that heel and you’ll be all, nah, I’ll take another pair of flat booties, please.
When you try to walk in heels, you hope to God you can channel Sex & The City — do you remember how Carrie not only effortlessly floated along the streets of New York in stilettos, but motherfucking ran in them?! Running is hard with the perfect pair of Nikes, but stiletto running? Nope, quit everything.
Some women can apply a smoky eye and look like they walked straight out of a photo shoot. They know how to contour without seeing the lines of the bronzer or blush. But, you? You look like a 6 year old child who played with mommy’s makeup by applying everything she owned onto her face. Picasso wouldn’t even need to use his imagination to paint you, is basically what I’m saying.
Your go-to is mascara and lipstick, because as long as you have a bold lip, nobody can stop you, at least that’s what you tell yourself. A great lipstick covers up all matter of sin and as long as people are focusing on your lips, they won’t notice the train-wreck that is the eyeliner you put on, messed up, tried to clean off, and now looks like you have a black eye — instead of a nice winged tip liner.
You know what cute hair looks like and you want it, but using a curling iron makes you feel like you’ve lost control of your limbs. Inevitably, one side of your head will be acceptably – but not greatly – curled and the other will look like you fell on one side of your head and just rolled around in the grass. You’ll watch hours of YouTube tutorials that’ll make hair styling seem easy (and fun!) and you’ll try to implement the techniques, but you’ll walk away with badly crimped hair and, probably, if you’re like me, a burned finger or two. At the end of the day, you’ll find your signature hair style and rock that day after day until you get sick of that, then, instead of attempting to liven up your current hairstyle, you’ll just dye your hair or cut it to spare yourself the misery of trying to give yourself “beachy waves.”
You give the impression of being put together, but little does everyone know that you’re hanging on by a delicate thread, that you’ve found a “uniform” that works for you. After a while, people will start to notice that you have not made any bold fashion choices, but instead wear a lot of black and a lot of very safe choices that give off the air of being stylish. You say you don’t like being trendy because you are a nonconformist, but really it’s because trends tend to stray from your uniform of clothing you know looks good on you. I mean, who actually knows how to wear peplum tops? Those dip backed shirts? Crop tops? Patterns-on-patterns? These trends, in theory, look great, but on you would end up creating some weird mash-up of rags that would make even your least fashionable friends ask you if you got dressed in the dark that day.
Normal manicures are not even a thing you can do, because those suckers will be chipped within five minutes of leaving the nail salon, so it’s not even worth the time, effort, or money to have them polish 10 fingernails only to have them looking like your hand got into a fight with a wood chipper (and lost). However, you did start doing the gel nails and, while those definitely lasted longer, you’re unsure how anyone could make those last upwards of three weeks without 1) chipping off or 2) peeling off completely. What do you do with your hands that other females do not do? How is keeping your nails looking nice and polished so hard for you, yet so easy for other women? Some women even get fake nails that are long and have beads and rings on them and you’re like, do you not do dishes or type or wash your hair or do anything that requires you to have nails that are functional?!? What kind of life are these women leading that allow them such intense freedom from the day to day life that you have to lead that chips your nails on the regular? You constantly have a suspicion that you’re doing life wrong.
6. Other Beauty Shit
You’ve tried everything in some desperate hope to make looking good more effortless. Hair extensions? Too much work and just more hair to curl improperly! Eyelash extensions? Only work for women who sleep on their backs like perfect angels. Not to mention — and here’s the biggest thing that you’ve noticed — getting all these treatments are so fucking expensive. When people say it’s expensive to look good, they are not joking. And, not only is it expensive, it’s time-consuming. Like, no wonder Kim Kardashian’s only job is to be famous. Have you ever tried rollin’ from one beauty appointment to the next, and for what? That’s exhausting! Beauty is pain, but also beauty is hard!