Symptoms of depression can leave for awhile and come back. It may make you feel like something is wrong with you but there is nothing wrong with you. Your chemical imbalance is not your fault.
You may not understand why your depression came back; you were fine and then you weren’t. Something small can trigger it; the sound of a sentence or the scent of something specific. The face of a stranger on a street who looks like someone you don’t want to remember. An argument with a loved one. Guilt. A movie with a story scary-similar to yours. A partner leaving you. A lack of love in your life. A social media post. The weather. There are triggers everywhere.
You feel feelings you don’t want to feel and you can’t put those feelings into words. Fatigue takes over and your entire body feels heavy. Every step feels like you’re dragging your feet through solid water. What’s real doesn’t feel real. What’s normal to them isn’t normal to you and that’s frustrating. Your eyes are glassy; tears feel like they’re going to flow but they won’t. You want to be alone but you don’t. You want distractions but you can’t focus on anything. You’re thinking but you don’t know what you’re thinking about. Your hair gets knotty from the lack of energy to brush it. Don’t brush it if that feels too much right now. Your room gets messy from the lack of energy to clean it. Don’t clean it if that feels too much right now. You either eat too little or too much. You question whether or not you remembered to take your meds. (Did you take your meds today?) You freak out. A part of you feels weird that you’re on meds or you don’t know if you need them. You want to ask for help but you’re too drained to. You want to feel like you again but she feels likes she ran away. You feel like nobody understands the depths you feel. You feel but you don’t feel at all.
It’s confusing. It’s overwhelming. It’s scary. It’s real. Your feelings are valid.
While depression can come back after leaving it does leave and every time it leaves it walks a little farther away from you. Please don’t walk away from yourself. You will feel like you again soon. One day you will be free from the dark hands against your brain.
I know it’s really hard but you have to address it. You must not believe it is stronger than you because it is not. You are the image of strength. You are the image of someone who has had to overcome too much.
Your depression is your blessing. Think about that. Maybe your depression will help someone who desperately needed to feel less alone. Maybe your depression will make you a more compassionate human being. This world needs more compassion. There is always light in the midst of the fight.
Grab your pet and hold her tight. Listen to music that makes you sing. Drink lots of water and get in nature. Look at the sky and force yourself to smile. Send “I love you” texts to everybody you love. Tell everyone you know you’re grateful you know them. Write down words you wish someone would say to you over and over again. Create some form of art. Rest and rest some more. Be easy on yourself.
You always get through, you will now, too.