Today the memory of you has been a little bit more painful. It has been filled with a longing for our memories, for our love. It has been filled with gratitude for the experiences that we were able to share, the ones that really changed me. Thinking about you today has felt different. It hasn’t been wrapped with anger or sadness. It has been covered in grace and longing.
It has occurred to me more than anything today that I still miss you. I didn’t realize that it was possible to actually miss someone that you knew you weren’t supposed to be with. I didn’t think that you were allowed to long for someone who broke you or want them in your life again.
You see, the thing is though, I’m allowed to miss you, even if we aren’t together.
I’m allowed to look back on our times in awe and wonder. I’m allowed to reminisce on the times that we dove deep into conversation, and into real love. I’m allowed to wish that those moments weren’t over and that we could still find a way in this world to make our love work. Just because we ended, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still think of you, and it doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped missing you.
In missing you, I have found that you taught me that sometimes even the greatest loves of our life, even the people that you fight for fearlessly, don’t come back. You have taught me that just because you love someone, sometimes it isn’t enough. You have also taught me that even if you aren’t here, I will still miss you.
I am allowed to miss you because you were such a large part of my life for a season. I’m allowed to miss you because you taught me what it felt like to be truly loved. I’m allowed to miss you because at one point you were mine, and now you no longer are.
So regardless of how life goes, or where I end up, I will always miss you. I will always miss you, and it no longer brings me sadness, but it brings me joy. It brings me joy because it shows me that I was lucky enough to be yours for a time. It shows me that even though our relationship crumbled, my love did not fail me.
So I will keep missing you, even if we aren’t together.