I remember going about our usual routine as we always did.
We were happy, in love, and moving forward.
I remember having zero doubts about the world, or more importantly about us.
We went out to dinner, just like we always did. We ordered the things, we always did, and things seemed as they always had. I had no reason to think that in a few moments the path of our relationship and the path of my entire life would change as a whole.
“We need to talk”, he said.
My bones tingled, and my hands started shaking as they always do when I get nervous. My body knew that this conversation was different, that it was our ending. I knew that this is the part where he told me he didn’t want to be with me. This was the part where we break-up.
As he continued talking, he described our ending.
In little or no words, he took the expectations I had of the rest of my life and buried it under poor explanations and unclear decisions.
Our ending came in like an intense hurricane, with no warning. Breaking windows, and leaving me with nothing to cling with, while I tried to grasp what was happening.
He told me he didn’t really know why he had to end things, but that he had to end them.
My jaw dropped, and my eyes weren’t fast enough to catch up to what was happening. I just sat there, completely stunned.
Truly my worst nightmare.
My worst nightmare wasn’t a break-up.
My worst nightmare was a break-up that was happening suddenly, unexpectedly, and with no explanation. Any ending is hard, but an ending that doesn’t have any closure is one of the most painful things that you can endure.
Not receiving closure means that you have no explanation for why you have to go separate ways, and you’re left making up every explanation you can think of. Your brain starts to rack everything you could have done wrong, or what could have lead to this. You start to think back to every memory, retracing your steps, to see where the stumbling came. You’re left with no verdict on how to improve moving forward. Someone leaves your life as quickly as they came in.
Moving on without closure is a bitch.
It is tiring trying to put pieces together when the reasoning isn’t there. You’re left anxiously waiting with the hope that one day your person will turn back around, and give you the explanations that you deserve.
Moving on without closure is such a bitch.
It’s so difficult because you aren’t given a clean slate or something to put your feet on. You’re getting the rug pulled out from under you. It leads you to anxiety and depression. It is nearly trauma. Well, for me it has been.
If I could go back to myself at that moment, I would make myself speak up for answers. I would ask for the “why”, and I wouldn’t leave that conversation until I could leave having known more. I hope to never leave someone else in the position that I was put in that night he ended things with me. I hope to give an explanation, and love even when an ending comes along. I would demand the truth and know that I deserve even small sentences of understanding.
So here’s to the night he ended things and the months of struggle in-between trying to find my way.
Here’s to my mind rehearsing every conversation trying to make sense of things.
Here’s to the never-ending cycle of the millions of possibilities as to why we broke up.
Because without closure, moving on is a fucking bitch.