I’m not always going to be there. I say this with confidence. I say this because there is a limit to how much heartbreak and disappointment I can take before I realize it’s time to walk away. Time to let you go. Right now, I’m always there. I am there on the good days, the bad days and the days in between.
It won’t always be this way. I won’t always be at the end of the phone, a text away from picking up the pieces for you. I won’t be the one who makes things better for you when you need someone. I can’t be the one who is always there when you need me but is never there when I need you.
I’m someone who’s easy for you. The safe option. I’m the warm arms that embrace you when you feel low. The compliments when you need a boost. The one who always answers your midnight texts when you are lonely and no one else is around. The one who keeps your heart full.
I would walk to the ends of the earth to make you happy. Many call me foolish for staying around as long as I have. They tell me that there are much better people out there who will treat me with respect, with love. And I know that. I know that there’s someone out there who will love me equally. The only problem is, they aren’t you. I compare everyone to you. I compare every interaction with everyone I meet to the way you made me feel on the good days. I think that’s the problem, though; in my mind, the good days stick and the bad don’t. I know it’s wrong. I know I shouldn’t hold on to what’s killing me. But I am. I’m holding onto you.
One day, I will have the courage to walk away from you. I will be strong enough to not go running back as soon as you call. I will be strong enough to resist your pleas for forgiveness. I will be strong enough to make sure it is me being put first.
One day, I’ll be strong enough to say that this is enough. And you will realize that I was always there. That no matter what you needed, no matter what time of day, I was always the one who would hold you up. To give you everything you needed. I wasn’t just the safe option, the easy choice. I was more than that.
It might take weeks, months, or even years before you realize what I was. Who I was. But you will regret letting me go. You will feel shame for the way you treated me when I gave you nothing but kindness and a place to live in my heart. You will miss me when it is too late. When you finally realize.
I wasn’t always going to be there.