I honestly don’t need someone as shitty as you in my life. That’s why I haven’t picked up my phone to contact you. Of course, I haven’t deleted your number either. So if you actually texted me, I’d be dumb enough to answer.

I just want to know that you care. 

There’s no way in hell that I’m going to text you first. But if you were the one to reach out to me, to admit that you missed me and wanted me back in your life, then I wouldn’t be able to hold myself back from answering you. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to put in effort to show me that you give a fuck about me. Texting me would only be a tiny gesture, but it would be enough to convince me to trust you again.

It’s already hard enough to hold myself back from talking to you.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s been easy for me to go months without speaking to you. If you want the truth, it’s been hell for me. There have been plenty of times when I’ve grabbed my phone, typed out a message to you, and then came to my senses and deleted the words. Even though I act like I’m happier without you, getting a text from you would make my entire day. Maybe even my whole week.

I don’t hate you as much as I pretend I do.

I pretend to hate you, because it’s easier to get through life that way. But you know how much I loved you, how much I wanted to make our relationship last. That’s why I’d forgive you way too easily if you gave me the chance. I’d let all of your past mistakes slide, as long as you promised to treat me right in the future. It wouldn’t matter if you meant it or not. I’d force myself to believe that it was the truth, because I still have irrational dreams about us living happily ever after.

I’m good at lying to myself.

If you texted me, I’d tell myself that answering you back would be harmless. Then, when you asked me to come over, I’d tell myself that spending a few hours alone with you would be harmless. I’d keep lying to myself until I ended up in your bed again. Until you screwed me over and shattered my half-healed heart into pieces again.

I have horrible self-control.

Honestly, it’s a miracle that I’ve gone this long without talking to you. If you texted me first, I might last a few hours without responding, but I’d eventually cave in. The curiosity would be too much for me. I’d need to know what you wanted to say. I’d need to hear your heartfelt apology or your bullshit excuses. Otherwise, I’d go crazy trying to guess what it was you wanted to tell me.

I miss you more than you could ever imagine.

I’m not going to lie. I still think about you on a daily basis. Why wouldn’t I? We’ve been through a lot together. It would be weird if I didn’t miss you. But I have too much dignity to type out a message to you, so if you ever want to hear from me again, you’re going to have to make the first move. I’ll be waiting.