Your intentions are always good. You never set out to hurt anyone. You never try to play the heartbreaker. But sometimes, it happens on accident. Sometimes, you break apart people you never wanted to cause pain. Sometimes, you disappoint them — and disappoint yourself.
The problem is that, even though you want to consider yourself emotionally mature, you don’t actually know how to express your emotions properly. When you love someone, you don’t know the right words to string together to show them what they mean to you. And when you’re upset with someone, you don’t know how to express your pain without distancing yourself or self-destructing.
You’re never sure how to process what your heart is experiencing because it’s been tossed around so violently in the past.
You’re used to being told not to feel, not to look too clingy, not to admit you’re in love, not to admit you’re in pain, not to admit you’re human. You’re used to hiding your feelings behind a curtain, so when it’s time to tear that curtain down and act vulnerable, you aren’t sure how to behave.
You keep trying to do the right thing. You try to be the perfect girlfriend. Perfect daughter. Perfect worker. Perfect friend. But somehow, you always mess up. You always hurt someone. You always end up apologizing — or running away because you’re too embarrassed to say sorry and aren’t sure whether it would be accepted anyway.
You’re the master of pretending you don’t care to cover up the fact that you care too much. Love too much. Worry too much.
You walk around like you’re confident. You call yourself a hot mess like it’s a badge of honor. But deep down, you’re worried you’re unlovable. You’re worried you missed your chance at happiness. You’re worried every good thing that happens to you is going to be temporary.
There is so much insecurity hidden beneath your I don’t give a fuck attitude — but you shouldn’t feel like a fake. You shouldn’t feel like you’re living a lie. Everyone has the same insecurities as you. Everyone reaches a point where they worry they aren’t at their best, worry they haven’t reached their peak, worry they haven’t been making themselves proud.
You’ve made mistakes that keep you awake at night, but that doesn’t make you a bad person. That doesn’t mean history is going to repeat itself. That doesn’t mean you’re going to feel like a fuckup forever.
You have so much love to give. You have so much affection to offer. And you’re willing to put in the effort. You’re willing to do your share of the work. You’re doing all the right things. You’re just having trouble finding your place. You’re having trouble finding yourself. And that’s okay.
Sometimes, you might feel like a fuckup, you might feel like a failure, you might feel like you’re never going to track down your happily ever after. But you have a good heart. You have good intentions. And you’re going to have a good life.