I Shouldn’t Miss You 

I wish I didn’t miss you because you don’t deserve any affection from me. You don’t deserve a one-word text. You don’t deserve a smile. You don’t deserve to be a passing thought in my mind, let alone a reoccurring one I can’t get out of my head.

I wish I didn’t miss you because temptation has never been a friend of mine. I’ve been thinking about you more and more lately, which means it’s only a matter of time until I get in contact with you. When that happens, I’m not sure what to expect.

I can imagine the scene playing out in a few different ways. I can picture you excited to hear from me, thankful for getting another chance from me, careful about not chasing me away again.

But I can also picture a scenario where we fall right back into old habits, where you play the victim, where you twist me into the bad guy, where you try to guilt trip me for abandoning you.

I’m not sure whether forgiving you is the right move to make. I’m not sure whether reaching out to you is going to give me some sort of closure or is only going to reopen old wounds. I’m not sure whether missing you is a sign we should reconnect or whether it’s a feeling I should stuff deep down into my chest and ignore.

Missing you makes my world more complicated. Everything is good right now. There isn’t any drama. There aren’t any reasons for me to wake up at midnight, screaming from nightmares. I don’t want to walk right back into a toxic situation. I don’t want to risk talking to you if there’s even the smallest chance you could hurt me again — and when it comes down to it, you probably will hurt me again.

I wish I didn’t miss you because there’s not much about you to miss. You were horrible to me. You hurt me. You made me feel off-balance, unsure, afraid. I spent such a long time trying to get away from you. Now that I’m free, I shouldn’t want anything to do with you. I shouldn’t miss a single thing about you — and quite frankly, I feel stupid for feeling this way. I wish I could turn the emotion off. I wish I could get better control of my heart.

I wish I didn’t miss you because it would be easier to continue on without you. It would be less stressful, less dramatic, less painful.

I wish I didn’t miss you because you lost your chance to keep in touch with me. You were the one who screwed up everything. You’re the one to blame for our falling out. It’s not fair that I feel responsible for shutting you out when you left me no choice in the matter. It’s not fair you’re still putting me through pain even though we haven’t spoken in ages. It’s not fair you still have a hold on me. It’s just not fair.