I Keep Starting To Text You, And Then Stopping Myself

I Keep Starting To Text You, And Then Stopping Myself

I’m the type of person who will send a text, regret it within a minute, and throw my phone across the room.

I hate the immediacy of texting. There are some things I want to say without getting an instant reply. I would rather write a letter and send it through snail mail. That would give me the chance to explain my feelings without getting a response right away and having to write my own counter-response right away. It would take some of the pressure off the situation. It would make me less nervous.

Knowing you’re going to read my text seconds after I press the send button is stomach-churning. It makes me sick with anxiety. I keep backing out at the last second because it scares me too much.

There are a million things I want to say to you, but I’m not sure whether I’ll ever find the courage to send you a text. I’m terrified of what you might say to me.

I know the second my message travels from my phone to yours, I’m going to start freaking out. I’m not going to be able to get any work accomplished because the only thing I’ll be thinking about is what you might say. I’m going to keep glancing back at my phone, wondering whether it’s going to beep, wondering whether you’re going to say you miss me too or you want nothing to do with me.

Even once you respond the first time, it’s not like the anxiety will disappear. It will continue for as long as our conversation continues. Every time my phone beeps, I’m going to jump, even if the notification is an email or social media alert instead of a text.

If we were sending letters, it would be easier on me. I wouldn’t freak out as soon as the envelop was sealed because it would be a while until you opened it up. And if you ever decided to write back to me, I would feel less rushed about answering you. I would have the time to think of all of the right things to say. I wouldn’t have to type out the first thing that popped into my head because we’re texting back-and-forth like lightning. I would be able to get my feelings across clearer. I would feel more comfortable opening up to you.

I’ve been dying to talk to you, to tell you how much I miss you, to let you know you’ve been on my mind — but I can’t stomach the thought of actually sending a text. Just thinking about it is making me sick.

I’m not sure if my nervousness is a sign I should leave well enough alone — or a sign communicating with you means a lot to me. I’m not sure whether I should give up on my idea of texting you or whether I should stop letting my fears control me and talk to you anyway. I’m not sure which move is the right move. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Holly is the author of Severe(d): A Creepy Poetry Collection.

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