I hate how quickly my good mood can be ruined. I can read a single sentence, scroll past a single photo, be struck with a single thought and my whole day will go downhill.
I have a hard time holding onto happiness. No matter how many attempts I make at practicing self-acceptance and self-care, it keeps slipping from my grasp. I never know how long a good feeling is going to last — which should make it easier for me to enjoy the moment. It should push me to appreciate my best days. It should make my happy times even happier.
Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect. I have a hard time coping with happiness because it feels like a trick. It feels like the emotion isn’t supposed to belong to me, like it got lost on its path to someone more deserving.
Whenever something good happens to me, I will ruin it with hours of overthinking. I will jump to the worst case scenario. I will start a countdown clock, waiting for everything good to be taken away from me. I am a pessimist at heart. I assume my dark days will last longer than my light ones.
Happiness makes me suspicious. It makes me wonder whether the universe is going to balance things out soon. When I’m in a good mood, I feel like it’s too good to be true. I feel like something horrible is right around the corner. Sometimes, I’m right. Some of the most thrilling moments of my life were followed by the worst ones.
My happiness is a fragile thing. I’m more accustomed to sadness. I’m comforted by the familiarity. I don’t like to cry myself asleep at night, I don’t like to lock my bedroom door for days on end, but I have done those things so many times they feel normal to me. At least, more normal than smiling real smiles, than laughing real laughs.
I wish I was better at holding onto happiness. I wish I didn’t question every good thing that happened to me because it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I assume my friends hate me, so I distance myself from them and it ruins our relationship. I assume someone is going to break my heart so I turn down dates with them and never end up getting to know them. I assume I am going to fail so I stay inside of my comfort zone instead of taking a shot.
Even though I’m more comfortable in my misery, I’m not allowing myself to stay in such a state. I’m trying my hardest to take care of myself. To keep my teeth brushed and hair combed and texts answered. I’m trying to pave a successful future for myself. I’m trying my best.
I might not be well acquainted with happiness, but the next time it comes my way, I am going to grasp it for as long as possible. Maybe one day I will hold on for good.