You talk like the mistakes you’ve made were in the past, like I should be over them by now, but you have it all wrong. Yes, you hurt me in the past. But you’re also hurting me in the present. I’m still sorting through the baggage you dropped on my shoulders. I’m still learning how to cope with the pain you inflicted.
It’s hard to forgive you for mistakes you’ve made years ago when those mistakes are still screwing me over to this day. It’s hard to accept your apologies when the scars you gave me still feel fresh. It’s hard to forget about the past when it keeps coming back to haunt me. It’s hard to be the bigger person when you gave me baggage I’m still bringing into new relationships.
I have trust issues because of you. I have abandonment issues because of you. I have commitment issues because of you.
I’m a grownup willing to take responsibility for my own screwups. I’m not going to blame you for my relationship mistakes. I own my shit. But there’s no denying you’re the reason those issues developed in the first place. There’s no denying you’re the main reason it’s so hard for me to make a relationship last.
It’s hard to forgive you when the mistakes you made had long-lasting, reverberating consequences. It’s hard to forgive you when you did more than ruin our relationship. You ruined my future relationships. You ruined my self-esteem. You ruined my faith in other people.
Everyone keeps telling me to forgive you. They tell me it will help in the healing process. They tell me it will lift a weight off my shoulders. They tell me it’s the right thing to do.
I will never allow you back in my world. I will never unblock your number, never add you on social media, never invite you over for a cup of coffee to catch up about our lives. But I would like to forgive you someday. I would like to move on. I would like to put the pain you brought behind me.
Unfortunately, right now, I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s hard to forgive you when the baggage you’ve left me with is still weighing me down. It’s hard to forgive you when my heart is still damaged from the poison you poured into it.
I’m beginning to think accepting your apology is a necessary step toward moving on, but it doesn’t feel good enough. It feels like I deserve more after everything I endured. A sorry doesn’t feel like enough, but at the same time, I don’t want anything more from you. I don’t want anything to do with you.
I guess an apology is as good as I’m going to get. I guess there is no other way for you to set things right. I guess I’m going to have to live with what you’ve done and accept you will never fully realize the impact it had on me.