Why Do You Want To Kiss Me?

Why do you want to kiss me? Is it so you can take me back to your apartment and pretend to care about my side of the conversation while secretly calculating how much longer until it’s appropriate to place your hand on my thigh, to run your fingers through my hair, to cup my cheek in your palm and plant a kiss against my lips? Is it so you can explore unseen pieces of me and then ‘forget’ to return my texts the next day in fear of making things complicated between us?

Or do you want to kiss me for a different reason? Is it because you are searching for a white picket fence romance? Are you planning on sweeping me off my feet at dinner, fashioning inside jokes to make us belly laugh, and dropping to your knees to hand me a ring passed down from your grandmother? Are you hoping to watch me walk down an aisle in a lace white dress so you can promise me forever? Are are you going to take forever away the second the idea you have of me inside of your head tilts off course? Are you going to run away when our problems show their face? Are you only going to love me until you realize how hard loving me actually is?

Or do you want to kiss me for the right reasons? Do you want to build a future together, as teammates? Are you ready for a commitment, a real one, not a make-believe few months of playing house and sharing breakfast and intertwining beneath the blankets?

Are you willing to watch me crumble onto bathroom floors with my knees shaking? Are you ready to hold me in your arms while I sob against your collar, smearing teardrops into the fabric? Are you still going to be there for me when it’s time for tough conversations? Are you going to help me through my pain? Are you going to take my side? Are you going to sit there alongside me until I feel better again even if there is nothing you can do to rush along my progress?

Are you going to be able to handle the darkest pieces of me? Are you going to continue loving me, even during the moments when I struggle to love myself?

Unless you are interested in kissing the real me, unless you are interested in entering a raw relationship, then I am not the one for you. I cannot give you a fairy tale. I can only give you a reality.

And the reality is, sometimes things are going to be difficult. Sometimes we are going to argue. Sometimes our love is not going to look like the movies. Sometimes our relationship is going to be beautiful and sometimes it is going to suck. I need someone who can handle that. I need someone who can love me through that. Otherwise, I am not interested in getting closer to you, not even for a kiss.