My heart is not bothered by common sense. It does not listen to reason.
I know you are toxic. I know how much better I deserve. I know it is time to stop fighting for our relationship. But that does not make my decision any easier. It does not magically make me capable of saying sorry, after all this time, after all of this effort, it is officially over between us.
I might make stupid decisions, especially when it comes to love, but I am smart enough to see my own stupidity. I see what I have been putting myself through. I see how unhealthy it is to keep forgiving you, to keep giving you more and more chances to screw me over.
I call myself a giver to make up for the fact I am a pushover. I say chasing you is romantic so I don’t have to admit to being stuck inside a one-sided relationship. I rationalize my behavior because I am resistant to change. I don’t want to find someone new. I want you.
I should be blocking your number by now. I should be burning your photographs by now. I should be warning my friends to stay far away from you. But that is not the case. My heart is stubbornly stuck in love with you. I cannot get you out of my system.
I let you get away with things I would kill my friends’ boyfriends for doing because I feel like our relationship is an exception. I feel like the usual rules do not apply. After all, we have history no one else can understand. We are in the middle of a legendary love story. We are different.
I keep coming up with excuses to rationalize why I have stayed with you for such a long time because the truth is sloppy. The truth is uncomfortable. The truth is, no, we do not belong together. No, I should not have to deal with the ongoing pain you have made me think of as normal.
I need to readjust the way I think about love, because even when you are busy breaking my heart, I keep running back to you with my arms spread wide. I let my optimism get the best of me. I tell myself things could be different this time, and if they don’t turn out to be different, then this is the last time. But it is never the last time. I am never finished with you.
But maybe now I am.
I cannot keep running back to you. I cannot continue granting you permission to break my heart in brand-new ways.
Relationships are not supposed to leave me crying tears into a wine bottle. Arguments are not supposed to leave my throat scratched from screaming. Second chances are not supposed to leave me vulnerable to another heartbreak.
You are not good enough for me. I have always known that — and now it is time for me to act on that.