Our almost relationship blurred boundaries for me. Now, I have trouble telling the difference between someone who has strong feelings for me and someone who is only interested in flirting for the time being.
I used to think it was easy to tell when someone cared — but now I am not so sure.
You seemed like you cared. You texted me. You spent in-person time with me. You went out of your way to do cute things for me and you complimented me all the time. The chemistry was there. All of the stepping stones toward a relationship were set in place. But we never ended up together. We split ways before we had the chance to turn our feelings official.
Without a solid relationship status, I am left wondering whether it was naive of me to assume you liked me as much as I liked you. Did I only imagine those sugar-sweet moments between us? Was I reading something in between the lines of your texts that never existed in the first place? Was I completely fooling myself? Was I only seeing what I wanted to see?
I have no idea whether you miss me with the same intensity I’ve been missing you, whether you are over me already, or whether you were never all that interested to begin with.
I am never going to get any closure because there are too many questions swarming me. Did you realize you were leading me on? Why did you stick around for such a long time, why did you make me feel like something was going to happen between us, if you weren’t experiencing those same sparks?
It’s strange to mourn a relationship that never existed. It’s even stranger having no idea whether the person you cannot stop thinking about ever thinks about you.
I wonder what you tell people about me. When someone else mentions my name, do you tell them about us? Do you like talking about me? Or are you embarrassed about how close you came to me? Do you only consider me a friend — or maybe even less than that?
I will never be the same after our almost relationship. I will always second guess people who flirt with me, who send me good morning texts, who show the slightest amount of interest in me. I will never again assume someone wants to date me.
If anything, I will assume the opposite. I will assume they are only a temporary part of my world. I will assume they will leave me behind as soon as they grow bored. I will assume I am the one who cares more. Much more.
I’m not exactly sure what happened between us, but I know how much it hurts. I know how insecure it has left me. I know how much baggage you have unintentionally brought.
I will never be the same after our almost relationship. I will never let myself get too excited about someone, too attached to someone, in case they leave. I will never make the same mistakes that I made with you.