I feel like something is missing from my world, but I’m not sure exactly what I’m searching to find. That used to bother me, but I am slowly learning that my twenties are a time to question everything. A time to figure out what I am destined to do for the rest of my life.
If I was certain about who I was, if I was completely comfortable in my current place, then where would I be headed? Nowhere. It’s good that I feel unsettled, that I feel incomplete, because I have something to aim for in the future. I have goals to complete.
I have to accept that my twenties aren’t supposed to be my easiest years. They are supposed to be confusing. I am supposed to feel lost. I am supposed to wonder what the hell comes next.
Of course, that knowledge doesn’t make life any easier. Growing older is a struggle. It’s difficult to take at times.
There are days when I am upset about not having a house and a husband yet, and there are other days when I think there is no way in hell I am ready for that kind of commitment.
I never feel like I am acting my age. There are days when I feel like an old lady, because I would rather stay home and read than get changed out of my pajamas and socialize with anyone. Then there are other days when I feel like I am acting like a young kid again, because I want to get wasted and gossip with my friends instead of taking care of my responsibilities.
No matter what I do, I feel like it’s the wrong thing. I feel like I am stuck in between being a teenager and an adult. Neither term accurately describes me. I am too mature for a teenager, but too immature for an adult.
I don’t know how to file taxes without the help of family. I don’t have all of my student loans paid off. Half of the time, I don’t have a clue what I am doing. Adulting is much harder than it sounds.
When I was little, I thought I would have my life together by the time I reached my twenties. I thought I would have my own apartment and an engagement ring on my finger. I thought I would know exactly who I was and what I wanted from the world.
But no matter how much time passes, I feel like I am just as confused as the year before. I feel like I am fumbling through life — and I am learning that kind of thinking is okay. It is normal.
People in their twenties (and even thirties and forties) don’t actually have their lives together. They don’t actually know what they are doing. They have just become better at faking it.
The older I get, the more I realize no one has any clue what comes next. We’re all just hoping for the best and trying our best.