She Doesn’t Take Care Of Herself Anymore

Girl who doesn't take care of herself anymore
Unsplash / Dmitriy Ilkevich

She doesn’t get enough sleep. She doesn’t get enough exercise. She doesn’t get enough social interaction.

At any point in time, she is either mentally or physically exhausted. She is either depressed or numb. She is either on the verge of breaking into tears or on the verge of screaming out her lungs.

When she feels physical sick, she doesn’t go to the doctor. When she feels sick inside, she doesn’t talk to anyone about it. She lets the sickness fester. She lets herself break. She knows she is headed for a meltdown but she does nothing to stop it from happening.

She doesn’t take care of herself because she can’t see her own worth. She can’t see the point in trying.

Instead of seeing the beauty in herself, she only sees the ugly. Instead of focusing on the good things, she only spots her flaws and insecurities. Instead of loving herself, she struggles to tolerate herself. Instead of trying, she gives up before she even begins because she expects to fail in the end.

She doesn’t give herself enough credit. She thinks too poorly of herself. She views herself as a burden, as someone who wastes other people’s time, as someone who is better off hiding alone in her bedroom so that she doesn’t cause any more problems.

She doesn’t take good care of herself because she has grown older and lost her innocence. She no longer sees the world as a kind place. She only sees the evil. She only sees the toxicity.

She has been hurt one too many times throughout her life. People who she expected to stick around abandoned her without warning, without giving her the closure she needed to process what happened between them.

After being lied to and led on and experiencing loss, she doesn’t see the point in trying again. She doesn’t see the point in putting her heart on the line when it is only going to be squashed.

She doesn’t take good care of herself because living has become a chore for her. She struggles to pull herself out of bed each morning and brush her teeth and comb her hair — so the bigger things, things like eating right and exercising and having fun with friends, seem impossible. She doesn’t feel like she has enough energy to leave the house. She doesn’t know if she has what it takes to live a normal life.

She is hurting but continues to suffer silently. Alone. Without telling anyone what has been on her mind. Instead, she tells lies about being fine. She pretends everything is okay when she feels like collapsing.

She doesn’t take good care of herself because she cannot see herself the way her family and friends see her. As someone with class and intelligence. As someone with elegance and humor. As someone who deserves to experience the world. As someone who deserves to laugh loudly and love loudly. As someone who deserves to wake up with a smile and pass the mirror with confidence. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Holly is the author of Severe(d): A Creepy Poetry Collection.

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