I’ve always had bad taste — or maybe I just have lower standards than I’d like to admit. Maybe I don’t think as highly of myself as I should and that’s why I keep falling for boys who can’t even do something as simple as send me a text back.
I feel like an idiot for liking someone who can’t take two minutes out of his day to type something onto a screen. Someone who I keep trying to talk to about anything, everything, even though he’s proven time and time again that there isn’t enough room for me in his life — or, at least, he has no desire to make room for me in his life.
I feel like an idiot for spending so much time on him. For planning out what text I’m going to send and how long I’m going to wait to send it. For trying to convince myself that I’m brave for sending a second message when he hasn’t answered after a few days — even though in reality, it probably only makes me look more pathetic. It probably makes me look like I’m obsessed with him.
I feel like an idiot for jumping every time I hear a notification, for feeling my heart drum a little faster, even though it never turns out to be his name on the phone. Even though he always keeps me waiting, always keeps me hoping, always keeps me disappointed.
I feel like an idiot for having such strong feelings for someone who, in all likelihood, will never become my boyfriend. For thinking about him from the moment my eyes open until the moment they close, even though I doubt I cross his mind at all. I’m not sure he even remembers that I exist.
I feel like an idiot for trying so hard, for giving him everything that I can, when he never gives me anything in return. I try to be a good friend to him, I try to be his shoulder to lean on — but from the looks of it, from the way he’s been acting, he doesn’t appreciate it. He takes everything I do for granted.
I feel like an idiot for accepting such poor treatment from him. I’m not happy about the way he opens my texts without replying back but still finds the time to like my selfies. I’m annoyed by all the times he has ignored my morning messages, only to pop right back in my life at midnight.
But, despite all of the ways he has hurt me, I’m still trying to talk to him. I still have my heart set on dating him. Even if it takes him days to answer me back, I always answer him after a few minutes. I can’t help myself.
I don’t understand why I want someone who gets me close to crying once or twice a week — but I do. And it makes me feel like a complete idiot. Like a girl who doesn’t see how much she deserves.