The Ugly Truth About Why She Keeps Swearing She’s Fine

God & Man

I lie about being fine, because I have no idea how I would even begin to explain what’s bothering me. It’s impossible to put these feelings into words. If I tried to tell someone why I’ve been so blah lately, they wouldn’t understand what I meant. They wouldn’t grasp the extent of how much pain my brain is putting me through.

I lie about being fine, because the only people I would actually feel comfortable talking to about my problems are the people I don’t want to bother. I don’t want them to worry about me. I want them to think I’m living a happy, fulfilling life. I don’t want to bring them down with my misery.

I lie about being fine, because when people ask me how I’m doing, I feel like they’re only trying to make conversation. They’re only saying what they’ve been conditioned to say. They don’t expect an actual answer. They don’t want me to go into detail about all of the reasons why it took me an hour to get out of bed that morning. They would rather hear a pretty lie than the ugly truth.

I lie about being fine, because in comparison to most people, my life is fine. I feel like an asshole for complaining about my problems when I know how small they are in the grand scheme of things. I feel guilty about acting like I have it so rough when really, things aren’t going all that bad for me.

I lie about being fine, because it’s what I’ve always done. The idea of opening my heart up and telling the truth doesn’t even cross my mind anymore. When someone asks how I am, my gut instinct is to pretend that everything is okay.

I lie about being fine, because I would rather have people look at me like I’m strong. I don’t want to come across as a drama queen — or even worse, as someone to be pitied. I don’t want people to think I’m overly emotional and tiptoe around my emotions. I don’t want to be treated any differently than I am now.

I lie about being fine, because the only people who actually want to know how I’m feeling are the last people I want to explain my pain to. When I’m with them, I want to enjoy myself. I want to use their company as an escape. I want to forget about my problems while they’re around, not talk about them.

I lie about being fine, because I’m embarrassed about the way that I feel. I wish that I could easily smile instead of forcing fake ones. I wish that I could enjoy the moment instead of always finding something to complain about. I wish that I knew how to reach happiness instead of constantly wallowing in my own misery.

I lie about being fine, because I’m trying to trick myself into believing that it’s the truth. I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to be happy again.

I’m trying to convince everyone, include myself, that things are going to be okay. TC mark

Holly Riordan is the author of Lifeless Souls, available here.

Related

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://nifymag.com/the-ugly-truth-about-why-she-keeps-swearing-shes-fine/ The Ugly Truth About Why She Keeps Swearing She’s Fine | Nifymag.com

    […] Source link […]

  • http://buzzhulk.com/2017/07/06/the-ugly-truth-about-why-she-keeps-swearing-shes-fine/ The Ugly Truth About Why She Keeps Swearing She’s Fine – BuzzHulk

    […] Source link […]

  • https://yourhappyfilledlife.wordpress.com/ yourhappyfilledlife

    Great read! I really enjoyed it and can relate.

  • http://shineshraddha.wordpress.com Shraddha Singh

    Yes ! For many known and unknown reasons we lie to people around and even to ourseleves that we are happy and content and life keeps on going !!

    Nice writeup !

    Here is my blog – http://www.shineshraddha.wordpress.com
    Do visit and leave your thoughts on my writeups !!

  • http://notthrowingstones.today Jesska

    *hugs*

  • http://kwilliamsbooks.wordpress.com kwilliamsbooks

    Wonderfully written and largely relatable; thank you for sharing.

  • http://www.viralarm.com/en/the-ugly-truth-about-why-she-keeps-swearing-shes-fine/ The Ugly Truth About Why She Keeps Swearing She’s Fine – Viralarm

    […] Source link […]

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2017/08/this-is-why-sarcastic-girls-are-secretly-the-sweetest-girls-youll-ever-meet/ This Is Why Sarcastic Girls Are Secretly The Sweetest Girls You’ll Ever Meet | Thought Catalog

    […] course, nobody else notices this. Everyone thinks that they are perfectly fine. That they can handle anything the world throws at them, because they are the definition of […]

  • http://www.go4viral.org/this-is-why-sarcastic-girls-are-secretly-the-sweetest-girls-youll-ever-meet/ This Is Why Sarcastic Girls Are Secretly The Sweetest Girls You’ll Ever Meet – Go4viral – Read Viral News

    […] course, nobody else notices this. Everyone thinks that they are perfectly fine. That they can handle anything the world throws at them, because they are the definition of […]

  • http://verandi.org/shocking/this-is-why-sarcastic-girls-are-secretly-the-sweetest-girls-youll-ever-meet/ This Is Why Sarcastic Girls Are Secretly The Sweetest Girls You’ll Ever Meet – Verandi

    […] course, nobody else notices this. Everyone thinks that they are perfectly fine. That they can handle anything the world throws at them, because they are the definition of […]

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2017/08/you-look-like-a-real-jerk-when-you-keep-your-guard-up/ You Look Like An Asshole When You Keep Your Guard Up | Thought Catalog

    […] the people who mean the most to me have no idea how often I think about them. They assume that I’m perfectly fine without them, because I stop myself from texting them too much. I stop myself from reaching out to […]

  • http://viralnews.blog/2017/09/09/this-is-why-sarcastic-girls-are-secretly-the-sweetest-girls-youll-ever-meet/ This Is Why Sarcastic Girls Are Secretly The Sweetest Girls Youll Ever Meet | ViralNews.blog

    […] course, nobody else notices this. Everyone thinks that they are perfectly fine. That they can handle anything the world throws at them, because they are the definition of […]

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2017/10/i-am-slowly-learning-that-i-am-stronger-than-i-give-myself-credit-for/ I Am Slowly Learning That I Am Stronger Than I Give Myself Credit For | Thought Catalog

    […] am thinking when everyone is expecting me to keep my emotions locked up inside, to lie about being fine, to play pretend like the rest of the world has been doing. It takes strength for me to speak my […]

  • http://verandi.org/shocking/i-am-slowly-learning-that-i-am-stronger-than-i-give-myself-credit-for-2/ I Am Slowly Learning That I Am Stronger Than I Give Myself Credit For – Verandi

    […] am thinking when everyone is expecting me to keep my emotions locked up inside, to lie about being fine, to play pretend like the rest of the world has been doing. It takes strength for me to speak my […]

  • http://www.go4viral.org/2017/10/29/i-am-slowly-learning-that-i-am-stronger-than-i-give-myself-credit-for-2/ I Am Slowly Learning That I Am Stronger Than I Give Myself Credit For – Go4Viral

    […] am thinking when everyone is expecting me to keep my emotions locked up inside, to lie about being fine, to play pretend like the rest of the world has been doing. It takes strength for me to speak my […]

  • http://viralnews.blog/2017/11/05/i-am-slowly-learning-that-i-am-stronger-than-i-give-myself-credit-for/ I Am Slowly Learning That I Am Stronger Than I Give Myself Credit For | ViralNews.blog

    […] am thinking when everyone is expecting me to keep my emotions locked up inside, to lie about being fine, to play feign like the rest of the world has been doing. It takes strength for me to speak my […]

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2017/12/they-are-struggling-and-you-dont-even-see-it/ They Are Struggling And You Don’t Even See It | Thought Catalog

    […] people who are going through hell look like they are doing perfectly fine. Someone people who are going through hell never wear their pain on their face. Some people who are […]

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2017/12/date-someone-with-a-soft-heart-who-actually-cares-about-your-emotions/ Date Someone With A Soft Heart Who Actually Cares About Your Emotions | Thought Catalog

    […] someone who won’t accept I’m fine as an answer. Someone who is able to tell when something is bothering you and wants to fix the […]

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2018/01/im-not-depressed-but-im-not-happy-either/ I’m Not Depressed, But I’m Not Happy Either | Thought Catalog

    […] just because I have finally reached a place where I feel comfortable. I don’t want to let fine become my everyday […]

  • http://verandi.org/shocking/im-not-depressed-but-im-not-happy-either/ I’m Not Depressed, But I’m Not Happy Either – Verandi

    […] settle, just because I have finally reached a place where I feel comfortable. I don’t want to let fine become my everyday […]

  • http://howtoknowmyfuture.com/2018/01/10/im-not-depressed-but-im-not-happy-either/ I’m Not Depressed, But I’m Not Happy Either – How To Know My Future

    […] settle, just because I have finally reached a place where I feel comfortable. I don’t want to let fine become my everyday […]

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2018/01/when-you-feel-like-your-family-doesnt-care-about-your-depression/ When You Feel Like Your Family Doesn’t Care About Your Depression | Thought Catalog

    […] You feel like no one cares that you’re suffering, but that’s not the truth. They care. They just can’t see what you’re going through because you hide it so well. They don’t understand the extent of your pain, because you never talk to them. You never let them know what’s going on. Whenever you actually dare to talk about your problems, you make a joke out of them to make your suffering seem less severe than it actually is, so they overlook what you’ve said. They can’t help you, because you aren’t letting them help you. You are pushing them away. You are making them think you are perfectly fine.  […]

  • https://kalceeaide.wordpress.com/2018/01/24/im-not-depressed-but-im-not-happy-either/ I’m Not Depressed, But I’m Not Happy Either – kalceeaide

    […] settle, just because I have finally reached a place where I feel comfortable. I don’t want to let fine become my everyday […]

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2018/02/if-being-honest-pushes-him-away-he-was-never-meant-to-be-yours/ If Being Honest Pushes Him Away, He Was Never Meant To Be Yours | Thought Catalog

    […] The right person for you will encourage your honesty. He will see how hard it is for you to open yourself up after years of closing yourself off. He will realize it takes guts for you to explain how you are feeling instead of lying about being fine.  […]

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2018/02/she-looks-like-she-has-it-all-together-but-secretly-she-is-not-okay/ She Looks Like She Has It All Together, But Secretly, She Is Not Okay | Thought Catalog

    […] She is sick of playing pretend. She doesn’t know how much longer she can trick everyone into thinking she is perfectly fine. […]

blog comments powered by Disqus