25 People Talk About The Murderous Thoughts That Could Have Landed Them In Prison

Just because you have dark thoughts, that doesn’t mean you have to act on them. These people from Ask Reddit held themselves back — and so can you.
Unsplash / Sandro Katalina

1. I thought about murdering my mother’s ex-husband

“I’m gunna be flat out and just say it. Murder.

Specifically of one person. My mom’s ex husband (I guess my ex step-dad? Don’t know if there is a term for that) he married my mom when I was little, I never really even considered him a step dad, he was just ‘dad’ to my older brother and I.

Anyway, he used to work around the country, and would be gone for several months at a time. Well one Thanksgiving, he comes home and tells my mom that he has a girlfriend on the other side of the country and wants a divorce. No discussion, no explanation, just ‘I don’t love you, or the boys anymore and I want a divorce.’ he then precedes to pack up his stuff and leave within a week, and would not even explain to my little brother (his and my mom’s son) why he was leaving.

We end up moving across the country with only what we can fit in the back of a pickup because he decides he is not going to pay the mortgage on the house and my mom cant pay it herself.

A few months after that, my mom passes away from an accidental medication mixup. (not technically his fault, but I still blame him) and my little brother and I move across the country again, this time with only what we can pack in a few suitcases, to live with our grandparents (on his side) they kick me out after 2 months, when I turned 17, and I moved once again to the other side of the country to live with my older brother.

Coincidentally, that was also the last time I was allowed to speak to my little brother. Fuckfacemcgee picked him up from his parents house, and has since been telling him that our mom was a drug addict, and died from overdosing on meth, and that my older brother and I are the same. My little brother was 9 the last time I saw him, and is turning 17 this year….

So yeah… I have the occasional power fantasy of waterboarding that piece of shit with a can of gasoline until he stops breathing…. But I could never do it simply because I would be taking another parent away from my little brother, and he doesn’t deserve that.” — Mogetfog

2. I thought about killing all of my roommates

“In college I hated my roommates, I couldn’t stand these bitches. One day I was cleaning since they wouldn’t, and I found a black widow. I seriously sat there for 20 minutes with it in a cup contemplating if I could get away with putting it in their beds and not dying myself.

I ended up letting it go outside since I didn’t want to risk my own life.” — Elatheria

3. I thought about blinding her with WD-40

“I was at a store buying some WD-40. There was this older lady waiting in line, and started screaming at me and my wife for taking too long to complete the purchase – basically she had to go run pick something up. I would have loved to spray her in the face with the WD-40 and probably blind the bitch.

Before I made my purchase I had to wait 10 minutes while she argued with the cashier over a coupon to save 2 dollars, and was pissed at me that the cashier wanted to help me really quick before getting back to her stupid coupon. The cashier was just being nice to her, I could never work as a cashier any more.” — ooo-ooo-oooyea

4. I thought about beating the shit out of them

“Beating the shit out of someone (that I’m pissed at), hogtying them, dragging them onto a giant, wooden catapult where I get to pull that comically large wooden lever and launch them into the next county over…” — TheShizknitt

5. I thought about brutally torturing someone

“Breaking a couple of bones. Start with the toes or the fingers. Then just walk away. Come back an hour later with pain killers and food. Maybe a splint for the fingers. Have them strapped into a chair so they can’t retaliate. Put on something they like to watch. TV, Netflix, play video games, whatever. Then randomly pick up say a ball peen hammer then start destroying their feet and/or hands. Then just walk away.

Come back later with some more pain killers, some water. Let them shower and use the facilities. Give them fresh clothes. Let them go to bed.

Middle of the night, they get woken up with a baseball bat to the leg or arms. Not just one hit. Enough to break bones in three or four places.

Repeat daily until their body is nothing but bone fragments. Drop them off at a hospital and remind them: ‘I know how to find you. I know what you did. If you even DREAM about it you better pray I don’t find out. Don’t do it again.’

Leave them with the fear that I’ll come back.” — showyerbewbs

6. I thought about breaking every bone in his body

“My younger brother had a habit of hiding under a blanket when he didn’t want to listen anymore. Mind you, he was 20 yrs and 6’4″, so it was completely ridiculous. We were arguing about him not getting a job (he just mooched off of me and I was living off of disability) when he hide under his blanket.

Rage just poured through me and I wanted to take my cane and break every single bone in his body. I wanted to break him for being such a spoiled little shit while I had worked until my disability was too bad to. I wanted to break him for every time our mother beat me because I didn’t clean right or he disturbed her as it was my job to take care of him. I wanted to break him for every time our father molested me and left him alone. I just hated him so much because they had hated me and loved him, spoiling the shit out of him.

I won’t lie I had my cane in my hands and I probably would have killed him if my adopted mum haven’t broke me out of it. I kicked him out of my house instead.” — saintofhate

7. I thought about murdering my own grandmother

“Killing my grandmother. She’s a terrible cold woman, who for a period of 5.5 years has made me suicidal, worthless and has been verbally and mentally abusive. But I can barely punch someone with out feeling bad. I just really can’t wait until she dies.

I’d give anything to her mother to come back to life though. Or my dad.” — fxkmehxrder 

8. I thought about slowly destroying their marriage

“A lot of people here think murder is the most malicious thing you can do, but I would argue that it isn’t. It’s over in an instant and the thoughts in the murderer’s head aren’t really pure malice.

My buddy is in one of the worst marriages imaginable. I won’t go into details, but he would be better off without her. I’ve imagined a scenario in which I spend months sabotaging his wife’s mental state ultimately leading to her divorce and suicide.” — MotherFuckin-Oedipus 

9. I thought about ending her life

“I used to work as an internet/cable installer. Once I was doing an install at an elderly woman’s house, she was so old and frail and as sweet as can be, but for some reason I couldn’t help but to imagine how I could end her life with a punch. The thought randomly occurred to me from somewhere within the darkest realms of my mind. I just couldn’t shake the visual of my fist caving in her frail little skull as she sweetly talked to me about the install. It was really disturbing to me that my imagination went on that morbidly bizarre tangent.” — RoKe3028

10. I thought about murdering my step-father

“When I was a kid, I had two people I wanted to murder. My former step-father, an abusive idiot that almost got our entire family killed a few times through idiocy and negligence was the second on the list. The first was the neighbor who left a bucket full of antifreeze laden with various animal bones and scraps of meat on our property to kill our pets. It turned out later he was known in the community as an absurdly rich and influential man, a loan shark, and overall psychopathic asshole. He got a legal slap on the wrist, but we sued him until he left the state to avoid charges. I might kill that man still if I saw him again. I’d pour a similar concoction to what he fed to our pets down his throat, bludgeon him mercilessly, flay his skin, give him dozens of superficial burns covering much of his skin, then keep him alive until the antifreeze crystallized his organs and killed him. I hope to one day find out where he’s buried so I can piss on his grave.” — NocteStridio

11. I thought about kidnapping their entire family

“Kid napping someone (this guy who has been relentlessly pestering me with his friends for 6 years) and their entire family, placing them on an anchored barge at Point Nemo. They wake up in a dark room with a flashlight. When they turn it on, they find every one of their family members hung and disemboweled. There is no escape from the location. There would be lots of water, but no food. A knife and jerky making materials would be available. Their options would be to survive off of their family’s flesh or die. After a year, the barge would explode, killing everything onboard. Bonus points: the subject would go insane from the solitude. Look up the effects of solitary confinement.” — JacUprising

12. I thought about poisoning my cousin

“I hate my cousin so much that I fantasized poisoning him and watching him die in agony.
I just needed a way to give him ground up cherry pits containing enough cyanide to do the job.
The only thing stopping me was not having the opportunity or any way for it to never be traced back to me. Otherwise I feel like I would have done it.” — HermesCat

13. I thought about making them go blind

“I hate anybody who hates a group of people for no reason – racists, homophobes, etc. I once told someone that if I ever encountered a racist, I would knock them to the ground and stick my thumbs in their eyes until they went blind. That way, they literally couldn’t see someone’s skin color ever again.” — PAKMan1988 

14. I thought about sewing someone’s mouth shut

“I used to fantasize about sewing someone’s mouth shut with a dull needle and thick thread. Usually it was the person in class that would talk endlessly about nothing because they loved the sound of their own voice.” — krystyana420

15. I thought about pushing him off a cliff

“Pushing my uncle of a cliff into a grid of wire dicing him into a hundred fleshy cubes.” — ShotgunSellingSloth

16. I thought about killing an entire family

“Killing a whole family. By any means possible. The mother, the father, the two sons, the daughter and her husband. They made our life a living hell for 3 years after they told all the neighbors it was me that got arrested on my front lawn (it was the oldest son trying to get away from the cops DUI). We told the neighbors what really happened. We had our house broken into by them, my wife got run off the road, they poisoned out gardens, smashed our security lights and cameras (fat lot of good they did) and in the end, kicked shit out of me on my own driveway. We got a restraining order taken out on them, they broke it and the judge said he wanted us to get along (?) and he removed it…We left the next day. Then they climbed on our roof and used a battery powered grinder to steal the TV aerial. I ended up with depression and PTSD. The father died slowly of cancer after we left. I had to console myself with taking a large sloppy dump on his headstone at night. That was fun.” — TK4471

17. I thought about breaking my brother’s leg

“My brother came to visit from across the country, the first thing he says to me is about how I’ve gained weight and he dropped comments like that all day. At one point during the day he was halfway getting into my mother’s car with one of his legs hanging out and I just stood there thinking about grabbing the car door and slamming it closed on his leg repeatedly.” — Glitterybuttholes

18. I thought about stabbing someone with a knife

“For some reason whenever I’m using a big knife or something I imagine stabbing the closest person to me with it. Then if it would kill them and how doctors would suture it up.” — birddeh

19. I thought about breaking things into pieces

“Sometimes I really just want to break things into many, irreversibly damaged shards. Sometimes it’s an inanimate object that isn’t working as it was designed to, sometimes it’s something totally random, sometimes it’s whoever is closest to me. At that point I just quietly close my bedroom door, stand out of reach of anything, then once I’ve calmed down a bit I’ll lift my antique, solid brass queen sized bed frame and mattress as high as I can, hold it there, then set it down as slowly as possible when I can’t hold it any longer. Rinse and repeat as needed.” — KingNoodleWalrus

20. I thought about murdering many people

“I’ve killed at least 50 people in my head. Planned out how I’d get them alone, exactly how I’d do it to inflict the most pain and suffering possible, which ones I’d just sneak up on and end them, and which ones I’d drag out for a while. I haven’t followed up on any of these plans only because I fear it would be too easy for me to be found out.” — Dason37

21. I thought about hurting my ex-best-friend

“Dragging my ex best friend behind my truck with a chain wrapped around his ankles while smoking a cigar down town. With a clever song playing that I haven’t figured out yet.” — Mr_Aawesomee

22. I thought about burning down the place

“Burn down my workplace with everyone inside.” — tackslabor

23. I thought about ruining their car

“Every day when someone cuts me off I contemplate not hitting the breaks.” — DaughterEarth

24. I thought about destroying their house

“We used to have a neighbor that played his music so loud it made the windows of our house rattle — from across the street. Can’t count how many times I fantasized about firebombing his house. Thank god he moved.” — MedusaStone

25. I thought about screwing over my neighbor

“Hammer a railroad spike halfway into the ground in my neighbor’s front yard the night before he mows his lawn.” — Tommy_Roboto TC mark

Holly Riordan is the author of Lifeless Souls, available here.

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