He hasn’t answered me for three days straight, so I claim that I’m finished with him. That I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. That I deserve better than scum like him.
But then his name pops up on my phone screen and I forget all about the promises I made myself. The butterflies eclipse my anger, making me forget that I was even upset in the first place.
Maybe I forgave him because he used an excuse about how he lost his phone or how he’s been swamped with work and I forced myself to believe his lies.
Or maybe he didn’t even acknowledge the fact that he’s been MIA and we both played pretend, acting like everything was fine, like everything was normal.
Either way, I don’t care, because he’s here now and the now is all that matters. Now, he’s paying attention to me. Now, he’s interested in me. Now, I’m happy.
But that happiness doesn’t last for long, because he keeps doing the same damn things over and over again. He talks to me. Flirts with me. Wins me over. And then he disappears. For one week. Two. Comes back. And the cycle starts again.
Part of it is my fault, because I let him do it, I let him get away with his vanishing act without calling him out on it.
I keep giving him chances that we both know he doesn’t deserve, because I have hope that he’s eventually going to stay. Because I like playing pretend as much as he does, acting like we’re headed toward something serious, like maybe we’re meant to be.
The problem is that I have too much faith in people. They make promises to me that everyone else knows they can’t keep, but I believe that they can. That they’re being authentic and are actually going to do what they say they’re going to do.
I’ve been screwed over so many times that you’d think I’d be a coldhearted skeptic by now — but I’m not. I’m still as hopeful as ever. I still believe in the goodness of people. I still think positively.
But maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should stop giving out second chances, especially when the person has proved that they aren’t going to change. Maybe I should be more selective about who I let into my life, whose hands I place my heart into.
But I’ve always been the kind of girl who gives out too many chances to people who would leave me in a heartbeat, people who would never let me get away with half of the things that I let them do — and that has to end.
I’m still going to give the people I date the benefit of the doubt, I’m still going to be optimistic about love, but I’m not going to be gullible anymore. I’m not going to get walked over.
I’m not going to give out a million chances to boys who will abuse them.