She acts awkward, because she’s trying her best to seem natural. To pretend like she’s fine without you, like her stomach doesn’t lurch every time she makes eye contact with you. Like her heart doesn’t jump into her throat the second she realizes you’re in the same room.
She acts awkward, because there’s so many things she wants to say to you, but she knows it would be dangerous to admit the truth — that she still thinks about you, that she still misses you. So instead of saying what’s on the front of her mind, she tries to keep things light. To smile. To make jokes. To hide the fact that she’s dying inside.
She acts awkward, because she’s in a situation she doesn’t want to be in. It’s not that she doesn’t want to see you — she does, she’s thankful to have more time with you. But she doesn’t want to see you in this way. When you’re distant. When you’re reserved. When you’re a virtual stranger.
She acts awkward, because she wants to impress you, but she doesn’t want to make her intentions obvious. She wants you to realize what you’re missing, but she doesn’t want to shove it in your face. She wants you to come to that conclusion all on your own.
She acts awkward, because she’s daydreamed about this moment a million times. Seeing you again. Talking to you again. Kissing you again. But when you’re actually right there, in front of her, she loses control of her thoughts. She forgets what she wanted to say, how she wanted to act. Her mind goes completely blank.
She acts awkward, because she doesn’t know how you feel about her anymore. She doesn’t know if hugging you hello would be comforting or annoying. She doesn’t know if she should run up to you and update you on her life or if she should act like she didn’t see you at all. She doesn’t know what you want from her, what you expect her to do.
She acts awkward, because it’s weird to be face-to-face with a stranger who knows all of her secrets. She hates how well you know her. How you can list out her hopes and dreams and insecurities. How you can probably guess what’s running through her mind, even when she’s trying her hardest to remain a mystery to you.
She acts awkward, because she’s worried that she’s the only one who has lingering feelings. She doesn’t want you to see her truth, to realize she’s still crazy about you, when you seem like you couldn’t care less about her. She doesn’t want to embarrass herself, to admit that she’s the one who loves more.
She acts awkward, because you’ve put her in an awkward situation. You let her go, but you haven’t left her life. You pulled yourself away, but not enough.
She acts awkward, because she knows she has to treat you like a friend when all she wants to do is treat you like her boyfriend.