I Wonder If I Would Be A Different Person If You Were Still Alive

There’s a defining moment in my life, a year that changed everything. There’s a clearcut before and after. When you were still alive and after you were gone.

Things seem so different now than they were back then. I wonder if that’s because I’m older, because I naturally changed, or if missing you has something to do with it. If it has everything to do with it.

I wonder if your death caused a chain reaction. If it’s the reason why I’m scared of getting close to anyone. If it’s the reason why I push people away.

If you were still alive, would my life have went in a different direction? Would I have chosen a different major, a different career path? Or would I be doing exactly the same thing as I am now, except with one more person cheering me on?

If you were still alive, would I be closer with certain friends and family? Would they have stayed around instead of slowly drifting away? Would you have been the glue keeping us all together?

If you were still alive, would I take more risks? Would I love without restriction, because I didn’t know the pain of being abandoned?

Or would I take you for granted? Would I go hours without texting you back, weeks without seeing you in person, months without reminding you that I loved you? Would I forget how much you meant to me, because you were always there and I had gotten used to that fact?

If you were still alive, would we eventually have fights where I screamed at you? Would we have drifted apart, too? Would I have done something to chase you out of my life? I can’t imagine that happening, but there was a point when I couldn’t imagine living without you, either.

Sometimes, it still doesn’t feel real.

I can’t believe you aren’t going to be there the day of my graduation. The day of my milestone birthdays. The day of my wedding.

I wonder if I would be more excited about those things if you were still alive. If I would be more optimistic about the future. If I would truly believe that great things were in store for me.

I wonder if I would hate the world a little less, if I would have a little more love in my heart.

I wonder how different I would be if you were still alive. I wonder how much your death changed me.

But mostly, I wonder if you’re looking down at me from your place in the sky, pleased with the person I’ve become, proud that I’ve grown into someone with so much strength and independence. Someone that still holds you in their heart, even after all this time.