When you want a guy that is already taken, you turn into a hypocrite. You tell yourself that you hope he’s happy, you hope she’s good for him, you hope she fills his life with laughter — but at the same time, you secretly hope that he’s miserable.
You hope that he’ll come to you with his relationship problems so you can be his shoulder to lean on. So he can see how reliable you are and how much he enjoys spending time with you. So he’ll finally decide to leave her for you.
You don’t want to flirt with him, because you don’t want to be disrespectful, so you censor everything you say and do. You hold yourself back from letting him know how you feel — but sometimes, you slip up.
Sometimes, you let your hand linger on his skin for a little too long. Sometimes, you let your eyes lock onto his lips when he’s talking. Sometimes, you let him know how good he looks in that shirt.
But whenever you cross that line and say something flirty, you convince yourself that it’s harmless. That you didn’t technically do anything wrong. That the interaction doesn’t mean anything, because he’s in a happy relationship.
Even so, you still replay your conversations with him in your head over and over again. You still save his messages. You still wonder if he looked at you that way because he has the hots for you or if you only imagined it. You still wonder if he wants you as badly as you want him.
And then you start obsessing, asking yourself dangerous questions.
Does his girlfriend know about you? Is she jealous? If you told him how you felt, would he leave her for you? Or would it ruin your entire friendship?
Then, you realize, maybe he already knows how you feel. Maybe he just likes the attention you keep giving him. Maybe he likes having a backup in case his relationship eventually ends.
When you like a guy that’s already taken, you feel like a horrible person. You don’t want to enter a competition with the girl that’s earned his love. You don’t want to wish unhappiness upon them.
You feel guilty every time you text him. Every time you touch him. Every time you fantasize about him.
You know you shouldn’t like him. And you’re trying so hard not to, but you can’t help it. He’s the person you want. Him and only him.
That’s why the only thing you can do is wait. Wait to see if he breaks up with her or if he marries her. Wait for him to become single again or for him to go off the market forever.
Or even better, you can wait for another guy to come along, a guy that realizes your worth from the start and doesn’t even think about dating somebody else. A guy that’s available and eager to start something real with you.
A guy that wants you and only you.