I feel alone when it’s midnight and sleep refuses to find me. When I think about all of the people that I want to text, but would never text. All of the people that I still think about on a daily basis but have probably forgotten about me long ago.
I feel alone when I’m crying my eyes out and don’t know who would actually answer if I called. When I keep to myself instead of reaching out, because I’m scared of getting rejected, of being ignored.
I feel alone when I’m in a group and have nothing to contribute. When I’m just nodding and smiling awkwardly to distract from the fact that I’m remaining silent. When I look around and wonder what I have in common with all of these people that are talking about shows I haven’t seen and sports I couldn’t care less about.
I feel alone when I send a text and the person doesn’t reply — or takes too long to reply. When I realize that I’m nobody’s first priority. That I’m probably just a nuisance.
I feel alone when I look at old photographs or imagine old memories and realize that most of the people that used to be in my life have left my life. When I realize that everything has changed. That people keep leaving year after year and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I feel alone when I’m scrolling through social media and see pictures of my friends out with their friends. When I realize that I wasn’t invited because I’m not fun enough — or maybe I was invited but I told them I was too busy when really all I had on my schedule was a nap and another round of Netflix.
I feel alone when I see couples holding hands in the mall. Couples kissing on sidewalks. Couples posting marriage photos. When I realize that even the nastiest, most unappealing people have found love — and yet, I’m still single.
I feel alone when I’m in a room with family members that I’ve known since I was a child, people that I should be comfortable with by now. When I know they won’t understand my problems or my passions so I give them one-word answers and challenge them to walk away. And when they do, I hate myself for not being able to socialize like I should.
I feel alone when I post a picture on Instagram or a status on Facebook and no one likes it. When I need validation but have no way of getting it, not online or in person.
I feel alone when I’m at a party and searching for a dog or cat to play with, because I prefer animals to humans. When I’m hovering by the snack table so that I don’t have to mingle with strangers. When I realize maybe I don’t actually hate people, but am secretly just terrified of them.
I always feel alone. No matter how many people are around me. I always feel alone.