She’s a cynic. A skeptic. But she wasn’t always that way. She used to be a romantic. She used to daydream about finding her forever person and kissing him at the end of the aisle.
She turned cynical after getting hurt one too many times. Whenever she thought she found the boy that would be the exception, the boy that she would settle down with, she was once again let down.
She’s surrounded by dead love. Divorced parents. Douchebag exes. Cheating friends.
How can she believe in love when she knows people that are more deserving of it than her who are trapped in destructive relationships? How can she believe in love when it never seems to stick?
She’s cynical, because the pain doesn’t hurt as bad when it’s expected. She keeps telling herself that the boy she wants doesn’t care, that he’ll get bored, that he’ll leave her behind. She keeps her expectations low.
She hopes that, if she remains pessimistic, it won’t hurt as bad when he’s gone.
But she’s only fooling herself. It hurts just as bad, whether she sees it coming or not. Her cynicism isn’t helping her. It’s only hurting her.
It’s pulling her away from opportunities. It’s convincing her to turn down people that she should have taken a chance on. It’s making her hate movies with happy endings and scoff at friends that post engagement pictures.
She’s convinced herself that it’s stupid to try. Foolish to care.
That’s why she gets so mad at herself when she lets her mask slip, when she lets someone new into her life. When she finds herself staying up late, just to finish a conversation. When she memorizes a boy’s birthday and listens to his favorite bands.
She’s not immune to emotion and she hates herself for it. She wishes she could stay numb.
She doesn’t want to fall, but she always does. She always ends up liking someone and trying to convince the world — convince herself — that she couldn’t care less about him. That she would rather remain single.
Sometimes, she gets scared and pushes the boy away. By ignoring his texts. By acting like she isn’t interested. By turning down all his advances.
And sometimes, she actually tries. She responds to his messages. Compliments him. Tries to win him over with her charm.
Either way, it really doesn’t matter. It always ends the same.
Of course, even though she doesn’t expect it, one day it will work out. She’ll find someone that turns her from a skeptic into a true believer.