She wants to believe that love will find her. That happiness is in her future. That not all boys are the same. But it’s hard to keep her hope alive when the world keeps trying to snuff it out.
Every time she meets a great guy, he’s already taken. Every time she gets attached, the person leaves. Every time she sees the glimpse of a beginning, everything ends.
She has a hard time keeping her expectations high, because she’s used to being disappointed. Whenever she gives love a chance, whenever she lets herself be optimistic for a change, it backfires on her.
She ends up alone again. Depressed again.
And when everything comes crashing down around her, she feels like a complete idiot. Because she should have seen it coming. She should have known it would end this way. She shouldn’t have gotten excited like some naive little girl that’s never witnessed the world burn.
She knew the pain was inescapable. So why the hell did she let herself get excited? Why did she get her hopes up again?
She tries hard to act like a pessimist, to imagine the worst case scenario, to expect nothing. It’s her coping mechanism. She wants to be prepared for the pain. To outsmart it.
Of course, that never works. Whenever someone disappoints her, she’s not surprised at all, but she’s still hurt. She still feels the pain as intensely as she would’ve if the betrayal came from out of the blue.
She can’t even enjoy a good thing, because when a relationship is going well, there’s a nagging voice in the back of her mind telling her that it can never last. That it’s only a matter of time until it all falls apart.
Even when she’s happy in the present, she’s stressing about how depressed she’ll be in the future. Even when a man has treated her right, when he hasn’t done one thing to upset her, she’s imagining all of the ways that he could potentially let her down.
She doesn’t know how to enjoy the moment. She only knows how to dread the future.
And she hates it. She hates how hard she worries and how strongly she feels. She hates how much she cares even though she tries so hard not to. And she hates all of the people from her past that have turned her into this dark, defeated person.
Although she thinks hope is stupid — that true love and soulmates and lifelong marriages are all a lie — she still has a flicker of faith hidden inside of her.
She doesn’t like to admit it, but she still believes that one day, she’ll find someone that won’t make her laugh at the idea of love. Someone that won’t disappoint her. Someone that won’t disappear.
Someone that will make her raise her expectations. Raise her standards. Raise her spirits.
One day, she’ll find him. She knows she will.
Her expectations may be low, but her hopes are still high.