Keep his number if you trust yourself not to send an angry drunken text or a heartfelt message on his birthday.
Keep his number if you’re expecting to receive a random ‘hey’ from him when he gets lonely again.
Keep his number if you want to hold onto the illusion of hope that one day you two will become friends.
But, if you know what’s best for you — for your perpetually cracking heart — then you have to delete that long thread of messages clogging up your phone.
Get rid of the good morning messages that used to light up your room before the sun crept in.
Get rid of the ‘you up?’ messages that should’ve made you feel like a piece of meat, but only made you feel more attractive.
Get rid of the cute messages, the sweet messages, the silly messages — the words that made you feel like he would actually stick around.
Get rid of every trace of him, because you don’t want to open up your texts and see his name at the bottom of your screen. You don’t want to be reminded of him on those blissful days when you haven’t been obsessing over him. Haven’t been grieving the loss of him.
Sure, looking through his Instagram photos will send a pang of pain to your heart. And stalking his Facebook or watching his Snap story will do the same. But rereading old conversations is the most dangerous thing you could possible do. Because it’s going to remind you of things you have no business remembering.
You’re going to remember the nicknames he used to call you.
You’re going to remember the inside jokes you used to share.
You’re going to remember the names of his dogs and the names of his parents and the names of his favorite movies.
And worst of all, you’re going to remember the way you felt when a new message came through. The way your smile used to fill your face. The way your cocoon of anxiety used to burst when you saw his name, exploding your stomach with butterflies.
For a few blissful seconds, you’ll be stuck in a pretend world. You’ll believe you’re back in the past, back in his life. That nothing bad ever happened and you two are still together.
And when there aren’t any more messages to read, when you’re through reliving the past and are yanked back to the present, you’ll miss him more than ever. You’ll hate yourself more than ever.
So if you want to keep his number, keep it. Leave it tucked deep in your contacts list, where you’ll barely see it. But, please, if you want to protect your heart, if you want to officially move on, then get rid of that text thread. Get rid of his hold over you.
Get rid of your anchor to the past.