This Is What I Mean When I Say I Have Trust Issues

When I say I have trust issues, I don’t mean that I’m unwilling to take a chance on love. That I’m going to refuse to date, because I’m too terrified of the potential that I’ll get hurt. That I believe I’m better off on my own and am never going to give relationships a shot.

I mean that I’ve watched so many different relationships collapse that I don’t see how any manage to stay standing. I mean that I’m a realist who understands how often people lie, how often people cheat. I mean that I’m scared, but I will take the chance. I will let myself love. It just won’t be easy for me.

When I say I have trust issues, I don’t mean that my paranoia has complete power over me. I don’t mean that I’m going to restrict you from hanging out with female friends or burst into tears when you fail to notice my new haircut.

I mean that I’m wary of being replaced. That I don’t think as highly of myself as I should. That I’m worried about you finding someone that gets you better than I do, that treats you better than I ever could.

When I say I have trust issues, I don’t mean that I’m going to invade your privacy. That I’m going to search through your bedroom drawers and try to crack the code to your iPhone. I don’t mean that I’m going to be suspicious of everything you do.

I mean that I’m going to expect open and honest communication. That I’m going to ask you questions about work and your family and your exes, so I feel like I’m in the loop. That I’m going to come to you when I have doubts about us, so we can work things out instead of letting my fears fester.

When I say I have trust issues, I don’t mean that I’m going to unfairly accuse you of cheating on me. It doesn’t mean I’m going to act irrationally and spark needless fights. It doesn’t mean that I’m giving myself permission to be an asshole and treat you like a liar, even though you’ve done nothing to betray me.

I mean that there are going to be moments when my insecurity overshadows my intellect. When a pretty girl walks by and I get quiet, because I’m comparing myself to her. When we have a fight and my crying is uncontrollable, because I’m worried you’re about to leave. When I doubt our relationship for silly little reasons.

When I say I have trust issues, I don’t mean that I’m against the idea of marriage and children and moving in together. I don’t mean that I’m going to keep my secrets to myself and completely shut you out. I don’t mean that I’m going to act like a stranger, instead of your teammate.

I mean that I’m going to prepare myself for a life without you. That I won’t let myself rely on you to pay every bill and wash every dish. That I’m going to sustain my independence, just in case things end. Just in case I end up on my own again.