As much as I want to find a man to spend the rest of my life with, and as much as I complain about being single, I have a secret. I’m scared of falling in love. It’s the single most terrifying thing that could ever happen to me.

I’ve never experienced it before.

I’m used to being single. I’m good at it. I know what movies to binge watch on Netflix when I’m bored and what dating apps to check if I want a quick boost in confidence. But I’m not used to being someone’s serious girlfriend. What if I’m bad at it? I have no idea how to comfort a guy when he’s in tears or how to make a good first impression with his parents. Just the thought of taking such serious steps gives me major anxiety.

Crushes are hard enough to deal with. 

I’ve had my fair share of crushes, and I’ve spent hours crying over them for ridiculous reasons. And those tears were only over boys I wish I would’ve been with. Imagine how bad it would be if I ended up in a serious relationship with someone who stole my heart? Loving someone is ten times worse than lusting over them. I don’t know if I’m ready to experience that level of emotion.

I don’t want to lose sight of what’s important in life. 

It’s hard enough to balance my social life and my career as a single woman. Adding a man into the mix would only make life more difficult. If I found a serious boyfriend, I’d have to make him one of my top priorities, which means I might end up letting other things, like my friendships or my career, slide. But I never want that to happen.

I don’t want to lose my independence. 

I consider myself to be pretty self-sufficient, but if I entered a serious relationship, my boyfriend would become a big part of my life. I’d end up getting upset over silly things, like if he forgot to compliment my new haircut or if he spent a little too much time texting a certain female friend. A boyfriend would be able to make or break my day, and I’m scared of letting someone hold that much power over me.

People do crazy things in the name of love. 

I’ve seen friends of mine fall in love, and it’s not always a pretty sight. Some of them have turned into recluses who refuse to leave the house without their boyfriend by their side. Some of them have become shells of who they once were, because they’ve been mentally and physically abused. There are even people out there who kill in the name of love. Sure, it’s a beautiful emotion, but it’s also a dangerous one. I don’t know if I want to get involved in it.

The more I have, the more I have to lose. 

It’s not falling in love that scares me as much as falling out of love. I don’t want to get my hopes up by imagining what it would be like to marry a certain man, and then end up getting my heart broken when it doesn’t actually happen. I know that I’m strong, but I’d still have trouble handling that type of pain. It’s something I hope I never have to go through.