1. You never know what to order.
“I’ll have whatever you’re having” is your favorite phrase. There are way too many types of vodka and whiskey for you to keep track of. You’ll just drink whatever is handed to you so you don’t have to go through the trouble of actually picking a drink out yourself.
2. The bathroom is your best friend.
Your bladder isn’t used to all that liquid, so you have to run off to find a toilet every five minutes. Your friends have no clue if you’re peeing or puking, because either one is a possibility when it comes to you.
3. No one understands the concept of sobriety.
If you decide to skip the alcohol altogether, everyone will ask you if you’re sick, a designated driver, or a pussy. They’d understand your decision if you were fresh out of rehab. But turning down a drink by choice? That’s crazy talk.
4. You’re tipsy after your first drink.
Your friends are chatting like everything is normal, even though they’re on their third mixed drink. Meanwhile, you’ve only had one light beer and you’re already starting to feel out of it. Your healthy little body can’t handle it.
5. You do a double take at the bill.
Eight bucks for that teeny tiny shot you gulped down in two seconds? That can’t be right. Thank goodness you’re a lightweight. Otherwise, you’d be spending a fortune for one drunken night of fun.
6. You aren’t bribed by free drinks.
When your friends invite you over for a few beers, you want to know who else will be there and what else they have planned. The promise of free alcohol isn’t enough to win you over. You actually want to know that you’ll be surrounded by good company. Otherwise, what’s the point?
7. You’re more judgmental than you’d like to be.
You don’t want to be an asshole, but sometimes it’s hard not to pass judgment on the dude throwing up in the bushes with a red solo cup still in his hand. Some people just don’t know when enough is enough.
8. You suck at drinking games.
When it’s time to play Quarters or Flip Cup, you have to ask someone to remind you of the rules. You even suck at classic games like Beer Pong, because you’re the only one who hasn’t been playing it since you were in high school.
9. You feel super self-conscious about everything.
Alcohol is supposed to make you feel more confident, but it has the opposite effect on you. You couldn’t keep up with conversations about craft beer on a normal day, but while your head is spinning and vision is splotchy? You know you’re going to end up sounding like an idiot.
10. You end up with a horrible hangover.
Your friends are used to drinking, so they’re comfortable getting three hours of sleep and then waking up for an eight hour shift the next morning. But you? You feel like an anvil fell on your head and an elephant is crushing your stomach. You’re calling out for work, no doubt about it.