1. In my mind, things are different.
I’m not stupid. I know we would never work. When I fantasize about us, it’s not really us. It’s a picture perfect image of what I wish we could be. Of what we would be if we were starring in some shitty romcom on the Hallmark Channel. I’m just fooling myself, but those daydreams help me get through the day.
2. The little moments mattered the most.
It wasn’t just about the sex. It was about the way you’d press your body against mine, complaining that you’d fall asleep if I kept running my hands through your hair. The way my own hair would get tangled in your glasses whenever we kissed. The way your lips would press against my forehead and cheeks, your body admitting things you’d never say aloud.
3. I’m sick of everything that dating stands for.
Quite frankly, I’m done with flirting. I don’t want men to send me messages about my ass on Tinder. I don’t want to go on awkward first dates that never lead to a second. And I most certainly don’t want to text a “great guy” for months, only to find out he’s a fuckboy like the rest of them. I’d rather skip all of that crap and be back with you.
4. There’s something different about you.
Yes, it’s cliché, but whenever someone else kisses my neck in the spot that used to be reserved for you, it just doesn’t feel right. I don’t get the same chills or form the same smile. My body’s addicted to yours and no other drug will do.
5. Yes, the sex was good, too.
I’m not going to lie about it. Your hands alone were better than my best vibrator. Finding someone to make me orgasm as hard as you did is almost as impossible as finding someone to make me laugh as hard as you did.
6. I like to torture myself.
I’m a masochist when it comes to men. That’s what it comes down to. It doesn’t matter how many times I replay the shitty things you’ve done to me, because I still want you. There’s no way to get the idea of you out of my head. Believe me. I’ve tried it all.
7. I’m trying to look at things logically.
I miss you for the right reasons (because you sent me good morning texts and made me feel special), but I also miss you for the wrong reasons (because you were pure eye candy and stopped me from being single). What I’m saying is, we weren’t the worst couple. I have just as many legitimate reasons for missing you as BS ones.
8. Honestly, I don’t really want you back.
I don’t want you. Not exactly. I want the old you in bed with the old me. The version of me who trusted you, because it was back before the fights and the lies and the tears. I want to be back at our beginning, because I know how our story will end. It already has.