I first want to address the person who broke me.
I have thought about you more times than I’d like. I don’t think about you often, I used to have my mind focused on you consistently; even after you ripped me apart.
Funny enough, I don’t hate you. As much as I may say I do, or even act like I do. I do not, nor will I ever hate you. I wish I could say it’s because I think you’re a decent person and that we all do things without intention to hurt, but I can’t.
I can’t because I know you have done this to many of people before me, nor will I be the last. I can’t because I do not lie my way through forgiveness. I forgave you, not because you deserved it (or even care that I have done so), instead I did it for myself. Something which I never did the entire time I was with you.
I want to thank you. I want to thank you for treating me so poorly that I now know the exact warning signs and feelings I should never have to feel again.
I want to thank you for hurting me in unimaginable ways that I will know to never let myself be in that position again.
Finally, I want to thank you for showing me what I deserve. I thought I deserved someone like you, but it turns out that I deserve more than the pitiful amount of care and attention you gave me.
You gave me a million reasons to go, you gave me about a million and a half reasons to run for the hills. I was naïve, because I just needed one reason not to. That’s not your fault — that was my own. However, despite everything, I hope you are well. I hope you find someone worth treating the way they deserve. I hope you find the happiness I could not give you.
Now to the person who helped fix me.
Before I go any further, I am more than capable to fix myself and I was nearly there, but you gave me that extra push to the end.
I’m not going to romanticize this because it was not romantic.
I cried a lot. I was mad a lot. I took it out on you a lot. I’m sorry for that. You saw me in a place that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. You were there as my med dosage was going up or when I left my meds at home and my withdrawal symptoms were kicking in. The nights I cried to you as my head pounded. The times I called you because I had been let down too many times before.
You showed me what I had missed for the entire year I was breaking. How in two weeks a friend could treat me better than the person I was with for a year. You showed me that it was okay to let go. You showed me that it was okay to have bad days as the good days would one day outweigh the bad. You were right about that.
You were patient. You were beautiful. You were everything I needed to get myself back.
Sure, I still have a black dog following me around day by day. But before you came along, it was walking beside me. Now, it walks 100 meters behind. Something I have never felt.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for keeping my head afloat when I needed that extra hand. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being you.
You helped me in not letting my relationship with depression dictate my life. You listened to when I was experiencing traumatic stress. So thank you.