I want to say the wrong thing. I want to slip up over drinks on our second date and admit something I didn’t want to tell you so soon and have you tilt your glass in ceremonious cheers to over-indulgence. I am a person who will always give too much, tell too much, feel too much and if that is not the kind of person you can love then I will never be the woman for you. I want to laugh over the kind of intimacies we’re not meant to share until we’re infinitely more comfortable or sure and I want that to be our own measure of comfort – our own measure of what it’s okay to be around each other.
I want to take you home too soon. I want to be too enthralled by your mind, by your body, by the heartbeat thrumming underneath your chest to obey the rules that we’re meant to follow. I don’t want to have to make apologies when I’m with you. I want to want you and I want you to want me right back, without any shame or insecurity or hesitation clouding the spaces between us. When I’m with you, I want you to know that it’s exactly where I want to be. That I’ve never made room for regrets.
I want to text you back too quickly. I want to laugh out loud at the words that cross my screen and feel no shame letting you know that I’ve heard you. I appreciate your mind and your thoughts and your words and I take no hesitations in adding my own. I may always be a person who laughs too loudly and answers too quickly and sends too many texts than my more cautious friends would recommend but if its games you want to play then you can find another woman. I will say what I want, when I want to, and I’ll always hope you will do the same.
I want to be challenged by you. I want to jump aboard your racing train of thought and intersect it with my own. I don’t want a gentle, docile ride. I want crashes. I want fires. I want new ideas brimming and bursting and exploding into each other. I want you to call me on my bullshit and inspire me to be bigger, better, braver than I ever thought that I could be. I want to dive headfirst into your mind and be inspired each time it collides into mine.
I want to let go with you – let go of all the things we’re meant to project and embody and become as told by the rest of the world. I want to know who you are at your core, at your essence, all the pieces that you are normally told to hide away. I want to know the best and worst parts of you. I want to see all your potential for wonder and for evil and I want to choose both. I don’t want to pretend when I’m around you. If you’re the biggest mistake of my life, I want to walk into it with arms outstretched and eyes wide open.
I want to be free with you. I want life alongside you to be wide-open highways and endless stretches of sky. I want there to be no conditions, no rules, no steps and pre-decided boundaries that we follow in our approach to one another. I don’t want to wait to kiss you, to text you, to tell you that something about you makes me feel more alive than even I knew I could be. I don’t want to wade into love with you, I want to fall in – headfirst, heart open, minds reeling and ready. I don’t want to hesitate in love with you. I want to be sure. And if that’s something you don’t know how to be, then you can pack up all your maybes and move on.