So you’ve found yourself sweet on a Canadian. First of all, let me applaud your good taste. You’ve found the world’s most dateable population and you’re interested in winning over one of our well-mannered hearts. But before you progress, I just need you to quickly forget everything that you know about dating. It’s a whole new ball game in Canada – or as we’d rather say, a whole new hockey game. Here are a few things you should know about dating in our home and native land.
1. They’re seasonal daters.
Primary dating season for Canadians occurs between the months of October – May (Eager daters start scouting their options in September). Winter lovers are not just a bonus in Canada, they’re a key component of keeping our heating bills down. The closer you huddle the warmer you stay – and there’s a general understanding that all bets are off come May or June.
2. They dress for practicality.
Did you and your date show up wearing the same North Face jacket? Probably a good sign. No self-respecting Canadian wastes money on dressing impractically. Flannel is the new black and we’re Pulling. It. Off.
3. They’re super chill (literally and figuratively).
Canadians are used to things going wrong. Like that time in third grade when nobody could go to school for a week because it was negative forty degrees out. We expect inconveniences and don’t get our feathers ruffled easily. High maintenance isn’t an option in Canada.
4. They get turned on by some weird stuff.
Do you have an American Netflix login? Have you ever won roll up the rim? Most importantly – does your family have a cottage anywhere close to Muskoka? If so, oh baby. It’s on.
5. They reject you super politely.
Chances are you’ve been turned down by a Canadian at least once. You just don’t know it because we’re so damn charming that they probably made you think you were rejecting them. What can we say – we’re known for our outstanding manners. If we’re not into you, we let you down as politely as possible.
6. They take you to all the cool concerts before they’re cool.
Remember when the Arcade Fire was just a group of weird kids in the back of your sister’s math class? Because we do.
7. They don’t want to sit indoors.
If you’ve never gone hiking on a first date, chances are you’ve never been to Canada. We take advantage of every day of good weather we get – and the bad days are not off-limits either. You don’t really know someone until you’ve been camping with them in the rain. Who you are when the tent collapses is WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON.
8. They judge you by your beer preferences.
Do you ironically drink PBR? Have you entered a Coors Light challenge? Or do you exclusively consume Mill Street Organic because that’s the kind of person you are? We’re watching over whatever you order. We know our beers and our beers know their drinkers.
9. They’re used to long-distance relationships.
Unless you grew up in Vancouver or Toronto and respectively stayed there forever, there is a 99% chance you’ve had the heartbreaking experience of your high school boyfriend going to Western while you headed to Queens for University. Canada’s a pretty vast country and if you’re serious about pretty much anyone you’re going to have to get used to doing some driving. It never lasts, but we always make the attempt. I mean, breaking up with someone is just so rude.
10. They’re super attracted to beards.
In some countries beards are a fashion statement. In Canada they’re a measure of practicality. Beards are an extra layer of coverage for your face between the months of November to April – one you don’t even have to pay for! Men with thick beards are simply pragmatic. Any Canuck could tell you that.
11. They’re politically correct.
You’re not someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend in Canada, you’re their partner. You’re not throwing your beer can in the garbage, you’re recycling it. And no matter how much you hate Bell as an Internet provider, goddammit you’re hashtagging #BellLetsTalk all day long on January 28th. If you can’t follow the most basic rules of inclusion you are never going to score with a Canadian.
12. They judge their dates by which hockey teams they’re faithful to.
Canucks fans are rowdy. Canadians fans are old school. Leafs fans are loyal, albeit kind of dumb. How into hockey you are doesn’t actually matter – just tell us your favorite team and we will tell you who you are.
13. They’re sarcastic about their country’s stereotypes.
Are you a non-Canadian dating a Canadian? Don’t worry aboot it. We keep our igloos warmed at a comfortable -20 degrees and our timbits are hand-delivered by Mounties every morning. Just stick with us. We’ll protect you from the polar bears, we promise.