Stop dating people that suck.

Okay, you’ve officially gotten the memo, so there are no excuses anymore. I suppose it is easier for me to give this type of pep-talk because I’m not in the dating scene. I’m in the grad school scene, where reading about sexuality in my gender studies class is about as much action as I’m getting… ever. Thanks, Foucault and Judith Butler, I’m officially not sure if I’m a man or a woman now. After being single for a year though, I’ve gathered enough intel to understand a couple of things:

1. Date the person that you actually like being around.

I’m not trying to knock my friends, but all I hear is complaints. It makes me appreciate being single. From the sounds of it, being in a relationship is like being in the seventh circle of hell with a wool turtle neck sweater on. Sometimes when I’m listening to my friends talk about their boyfriends I’m not sure if I’m listening to them, or a script from an episode of Snapped. If you are really miserable with the person you are dating, then break up with them. I really don’t understand couples that stay together just because they’ve been together for several months or years. I see the contempt in their eyes, the silent “I hate you’s.” They are just like ticking time bombs. Pretty scary stuff.

2. Don’t date someone who doesn’t give a Shinto about you.

I dated someone for three years who would have probably enjoyed seeing me get run over by a bus. If the person you are dating refuses to make time for you and genuinely acts like they don’t care at all, then don’t date them. There are so many great people in the world to spend your time with and get to know. Why would you be with someone who is mean to you? Some people I know are really into “assholes.” I don’t get this. You want someone to be a jerk to you on purpose? No thanks, I’ll take the guy who is nice to me. The whole “nonchalant cool guy” attitude is something that I’m so over. It’s not cool to treat people like they aren’t worth your time. Bye, Felicia.

3. Date the person that makes you laugh.

This is my number one. Man, I am so into someone who can make me crack up. I have probably the weirdest sense of humor, so when someone gets that, it is really special. On this note, date someone that you can make laugh. I want someone who will laugh at my terrible, but sometimes-on-point jokes. I think humor is a great sign that expresses a couple’s compatibility. If you are laughing all the time, who wants to fight? Now, if you are laughing literally non-stop, 24/7, like insane clowns, then you both have some serious issues that you need to get checked out by a doctor. I advise that you halt your relationship immediately.

4. Don’t date someone who tells you what you want to hear.

The better option would be to date the person that shows you that they care. I wouldn’t say that words mean nothing, because words are actually powerful, but date someone who acts on those words. I’m a strong believer in love. I love LOVE. I love it when I see people who are in love with each other. I think the secret to relationships like that is a lot of work and knowing that person is worth it. Love might come easy, but it doesn’t stay easy. You betta werk.

5. Date someone who is worth waiting for.

My last bit of advice is to be patient. Wait for the right person. Don’t just date someone because you are lonely. Date someone because they are what you’ve been waiting for. I’ve stayed single for a year for a reason. Could I have dated some rando at some point? Yeah, probably. But I don’t want to do that because it is a waste of my time and theirs. I know that as of right now, I haven’t met someone that I’d be willing to really date and give it 100% and when I date someone that’s exactly what I want to do. I’m very black and white when it comes to this stuff and if I’m into someone I want them to feel the exact same way. I’ve met a lot of men who are so wrapped up in this noncommittal, playing it cool stage, and I’m sorry, but I want someone to lose their cool when it comes to me. And I want to lose my cool. Call me crazy, but I think love should be a little crazy. So I’m waiting for the right person. I’m not going to waste my time with people who don’t take me seriously, because frankly I’m awesome. If it takes me 87 more years for someone to recognize that, so be it.

Okay, time to go read Judith Butler and cry myself to sleep.