1. My 4 year old blond angelic looking daughter told her visiting grandparent’s to, “Bite my shiny metal ass.” Bless her.
2. My 4 year old son was playing with his sister when he went over to her and farted. She yelled that he was gross and farted on her, and he looked at me with a smartass smile and said, “That wasn’t just a fart, I was doing butt karate.” This probably shouldn’t have made me feel proud, but it did.
3. Got a low threshold for fatherly pride…The other day my 4 year old daughter tripped on something on the floor and said, “Dammit mommy, get your crap up off the floor.” After stifling laughter and my daughter was out of earshot being punished I turned to my wife, “The kid may have a mouth but she DOES have a point.” No sex was had that night!
4. Yesterday when picking up my 5 year old son from kindergarten, he told me “Dad, when I grow up, I’m gonna be a cop.” Then my 4 year old son replied, “Dad, when I grow up, I’m gonna be dangerous!”…
5. My daughter and her best friend made ‘Pet Rocks’ out of the largest rocks from the landscaping in our yard. My daughter picked a good 8 lb rock and colored him using markers and made him a little ‘habitat’ out of a shoe box with some paper lining. His name “Chuck Norris.”
6. My little boy, who’s 8, is constantly saying weird shit, but the most recently memorable was when we were outside talking one day and somehow the subject came up of him being buried in a hole (don’t ask me…conversations with him go strange places). Anyway, he says “I’d dig my way out. With my nipples. My nipples would do most of the work.”…wtf?
7. When my daughter was 5, she asked me where she got her freckles from. I asked her what her opinion was. She said it’s because she’s a ginger ninja which causes her to get a freckle every time she steals a soul.
8. We used to have a long commute to my office/their daycare. One day, on our way home I am (not so) quietly raging at traffic and my older daughter [4 years] pipes up with, “Are they driving like bastards daddy?”
9. My 4 year old daughter used to try and watch TV after bed time from the top of the stairs, usually when I was watching “That 70’s Show.” One day, she was playing in the kitchen with her 3 year old brother, when he dropped something and said “Jesus Christ!” My daughter very calmly said, “You can’t say that for anger, that’s not a nice word to say when you are mad. Ya’ crazy bastard.” I couldn’t say anything, I was laughing so hard.
10. When my youngest daughter was 4 years old, she enjoyed playing with the nativity set that we’d put out around Christmas. She wouldn’t just play with the figures in the nativity, she’d also bring in some of her other toys to interact with the figures. Barbies, Bratz, and Dora the Explorer were common guests at the nativity, as were a few Transformers that I picked up at a convention. One day while I’m working on the computer, I hear my daughter say the following phrase: “Jesus attack!” And proceeded to have the infant baby Jesus dive-bombing robots who had gathered around the nativity. Had me rolling for hours after, and to this day I occasionally pick up the baby Jesus and yell her battle cry.
11. We were leaving a T-ball game; my son was about 4 and my daughter 7. My daughter removed her cleats and socks and my boy looks over and comments, “They some damn ugly dogs.”
12. I once left my laptop open when my son was 3. He’s always trying to type on it like a real adult. Well, unfortunately, I had left it on my Facebook page. He had simply written the letter “E” over and over and typed it in as comments to status updates. One was, “I just got back from church and had a wonderful time!” and all you see at the bottom is just me saying “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” He did this to three or four different statuses. When I found out, I tried to be mad but I was laughing so hard I just couldn’t.
13. My daughter was 5 at the time. Her mother and I made a trip to the grocery store with our little princess in tow, decked out in a prim pink dress and shiny black shoes. She’d best be described in this moment as a modern day Shirley Temple. We heard a few “aww” and “how precious” compliments on our journey about the isles. We were amidst the canned goods when something so unexpected, so fantastic happened that I was stunned to the core of my being. She and I were patiently waiting as my wife navigated the broth when Lily, wide eyed and smiling, angelic, looked me straight in the face. I returned the glance and smiled. She then lifted her right arm high above her head, fist balled into white knuckles, centered her body in a full on center of balance athletic stance and burst forth loudly “5, 4, 3, 2…..ONE!!!” At that moment releasing the longest, most earth shaking, heaven splitting, full grown mannish demon fart I have ever witnessed. It seemed to last a full minute, maybe it actually did freeze time with its’ power. As the last of that unholy wind broke we were left with an eerie silence, mouths agape (not the smartest reaction with high levels of methane floating around), totally caught off guard. The whole place was in a standstill and everyone who witnessed it had their minds, and any freshness in the air, blown to bits. She had the proudest ear to ear grin, with her hands on her hips in a superhero-esque pose until Shan grabbed her with lightning speed and scurried out of the direct line of sight of the flabbergasted onlookers. Lily just locked her eyes with mine and I delivered a telepathic high five…she knew. Her mother was appalled, I could’ve died happy.