Some people need to learn to think before they speak. Men and women are both guilty of jumping the gun when it comes to speaking their mind, but it seems as though men don’t even realize that they are doing it. Most women look back and think, “That was rude I shouldn’t have said that” or “I hope I didn’t offend anyone with the tone that I said that in”, where as men forgot what they said in the first place.

Below is an easy list of things that should not be said to women if you would like them to remain pleasant in your life. While these rules can be applied to some oversensitive men, lets just face it, women are much more sensitive/emotional and will take things to heart, where as men are still scratching their balls and pretending to be listening to you over Sports Center. With that being said, let’s get started!

1. You look really tired today.

Oh and you are looking like a chipper princess yourself!

2. That’s not very lady like.

What is this the 50s? Newsflash – Women are allowed to wear pants nowadays, vote and swear whenever the hell they want to. Balls. Balls. Balls (Aware that is not a swear word, but I was told it is not lady like to say balls, so BALLS).

3. That’s a man’s job, why don’t you let me do it?

Don’t want to bruise your ego or anything, but why don’t you hold on to your penis and watch me do this for myself.

4. You need to smile more.

Don’t worry I will smile after I have a day dream of repeatedly slapping you.

5. Have you gained weight?

Why don’t you weigh yourself while I go get some loaded cheese fries and large beer?

6. I like your hair better (Straight, curly, blonde, etc)…

Aw really? I miss you having hair in general baldy.

7. You are being dramatic.

I will show you dramatic when I go Carrie Underwood on your car.

8. You misunderstood me.

No, this is your time to try to cover up what you actually mean because you know you said something dumb.

9. Is it that time of the month?

The time of the month where I put down my box of Girl Scout Thin Mints and I kick your ass?

10. When are you going to settle down?

When I enroll in a nursing home and then I will still be on probation.

11. When are you getting married?

When The Trump becomes President.. Wait that might happen. When the Kardashians become the next Royal family.

12. When are you having babies?

Baby ducks? I will be adopting them next week thanks for your concern about the duck world! Quack Quack Quack Mr. Ducksworth!

13. You know you aren’t getting any younger…

You know you are contributing to that. Every time you say that you piss me off and it ages me by years.

14. Having someone say “See you next Tuesday”

See you next Tuesday for Tay Tay Tuesday? Can’t wait to hear your motivational quote from Taylor Swift to my friend!

15. Why can’t you be more like (ex-girlfriend, mother, hot Hooter’s waitress etc.)

Well if you can’t be more like Ben from The Bachelor that I have fantasied that I am actually having this relationship with, then parade around in bootie shorts and a wonder bra.

16. Can you pick up the check?

You cheap shit you can’t pay for my fried pickles at Sheetz?! You said treat yourself! They were on the dollar menu!

17. How was that for you?

Best ten seconds of my life.. Can’t you tell from the “WTF just happened” reaction on my face?!

18. Why don’t you trust me?

Because it says on Facebook you are “In a Relationship”, your profile picture is of a small child and your baby mama is counting down the days until you get hitched at the finest drive thru chapel in Vegas, but no sir, I will trust you when you say you on Tinder that you are “SINGLE”.

19. You are acting like my crazy ex.

I am beginning to like that crazy bitch a hell of a lot more than I like you. Put us in the same loony bin with adjoining rooms!

20. Calm down.

The more you tell me to calm down, the more I want to punch you in the boob.

21. It’s not you, it’s me.

Yes, it is you being a dumb ass and me still putting up with it.