Why We’ll Swipe Left:
1. You had a picture of a car. Not you. Just a car. What the hell does that give me that I can’t get for myself with a simple google image search? Stop it.
2. Double no for someone who is posing like a 90s boy band member next to a nice car. Is it yours? Did you really stop to take a photo with a car? I like cars. Trust me, I do. But when I want to look at an Audi R8, I don’t need you in the photo. Please leave.
3. You had some derivation of “we can say we met at Whole Foods” as your bio. Stop it. It isn’t funny anymore. It probably was once.
4. Not a single photo is of just you and I’m not about to take the time to figure out in the venn diagram of these five photos which one actually is you.
5. Every single photo of you is at the gym. WHO TOOK THOSE?
6. Your face isn’t clear in any of your photos. Thanks for that lovely shot of your pitbull though.
7. You have more than one selfie. Even just one increases the chances of getting left-swiped. Stop it.
8. You used more than 3 emojis in your bio. Are you a 14 year old girl? No? Okay. Quit it with the emojis.
9. You put some cliched internet joke/frat boy movie quote as your entire bio. Please stop. We’ve all seen Anchorman a thousand times, quoting it gives me nothing.
10. If you say what you hate in women or what you won’t accept. I guess I should give you points for honesty and/or being efficient, but really telling me “girls with ugly eyebrows need not apply” is insulting.
11. In fact, using the word apply or application at all. You are not God’s gift to the women of Tinder.
12. You dissed Tinder. Look, you’re on here, we get that it’s weird, we all think it’s weird. None of us is bragging about having an account, okay? Just shut up and move on.
13. Photos of just smoke billowing in front of your face. Not sure what you’re trying to convey. That you’re a drug user? That you are artsy? That your face is ugly and best viewed through an actual filter?
14. A bunch of photos of you doing reckless or stupid things or you dressed in a bizarre costume. We get it, bro, you’re “funny.” Every man on every dating profile thinks he’s funny. Pick one photo. Then be normal in the rest.
15. Every photo is a frat party photo. One or two is fine — that’s where a lot of photos are bound to happen — but you usually just look super douchey. Gross.
16. Your photos are blurry or cropped incorrectly, to the point where they are worthless. Do you only have 7 photos of yourself? Fix that. Seriously.
17. You talk AT ALL about the money you make, the trust fund you have, etc. That’s not attractive and I wish that weren’t a stereotype about women, but please override your cliche and misguided insight into our gender and keep it out of your bio.
18. You used the phrase “hit me up” or “message me if…” Why is the ball in our court? First of all, you’re the man, so if anyone has the onus on them to initiate, it’s you. But even if not, dictating who has to do the work is lazy. Let’s at least have an equal share in the burden that is deciding whether or not to message each other.
19. You only have one photo and no bio!!! This. This. This. What in the hell? Be direct and concise in your bio and give us as many clear photos as possible. That’s the formula.
20. You have a photo with what looks to be your ex-girlfriend. What. Are. You. Thinking?
21. You’re wearing earrings. Okay. Okay. I know this is totally indulgent and unfair and there are tons and tons of girls who would love it that you are wearing earrings, but, I can’t focus on the nice things that could be coming out of your face when they’re bookended by 4 ounces of cubic zirconia.
22. You put some cheesy, over-done pseudo-philosophical or one-time inspirational quote OR you put pop/hip-hop/rap etc lyrics in your bio. Again, I can google those. If you do have a personal philosophy, don’t say “Personal philosophy:….” just put the damn quote. And make sure that it’s unique and actually worth mentioning. If it has the words “win, champion, beast, or fighter” in it, it probably isn’t as profound as you think.
23. You put your astrological sign. In an ideal world, none of us would be dealing in astrology, let alone prescribing it meaning or future telling abilities, and god knows how fast I will left swipe you if you express it in emoji form.
24. Your bio is riddled with spelling errors, text speak, or the typing wItH thE LetTers LiKe tHis. You want to come across as educated. Trust me. That will never work against you.
25. You came across as arrogant, douchey, spoiled, immature, materialistic, morose, stuck up, aggressive, child-like, moody, reckless, inconsiderate, misogynistic or just plain rude.
Why We’ll Swipe Right:
1. You included some, but not a lot of information in your bio about who you are or what you like to do. You didn’t try to be witty, which generally fails, but you tried to give a small portrait of yourself.
2. You were wearing a suit. Preferably in your first photo. This shows acumen and understanding of women. Suits are like lingerie for guys. Put that shit up front.
3. You were with a group of friends and you looked put together, not drugged out or sloppy drunk.
4. You were doing something fun and adventurous, but not stupid and reckless. Jumping off a roof? No. Swimming with a stingray? Sure!
5. You mention what kind of job you have, but only if you really love it. It’s not there to impress, but rather to explain who you are.
6. You’re smiling in most, if not all, of your photos. Or at least you look approachable. Seriousness does not equal confidence. Mostly, you just look like a 17 year old trying to be a grown man when you make those “serious” faces.
7. You have a photo of you doing your hobby. Playing a sport, traveling, being in a band. Just one is enough, but that’s good. That’s dynamic.
8. You seem to have a good group of friends. Not every photo is just you or you linking arms with five women.
9. You have a photo of you and a pet. Doesn’t even have to be your pet. Or a kid. (Please don’t be your kid if you are under 25 — I’m not ready for that). But whatever. This is a cheap and easy way to engender us ladies to you. You are not above this, nor should you be. You want to hold a kitten, shirtless? Great. I’m not about to complain. (See the part about too many shirtless pics though!) I will say, personally, if you are too obsessed with your malti-poo or mini-pin (WHY DO YOU KNOW THOSE WORDS) I’m going to be less than impressed. Get a big dog and stop talking about the breed. But then again, I subscribe to the Ron Swanson Guide to Manliness.
10. You talk about or show that you love food. Hell, if you cook, put a photo of you in the kitchen, or of something you’ve made. Mmmmm. That’s that shit I don’t mind.
11. You put where you’re from or why you are “out here.” I don’t know why we, as humans, feel like this is valuable. But there is some nice categorization for why you left NY or if you’re from the midwest.
12. The same is true for what college you went to. It’s nice to know that you’re educated, I guess. And it some how lends you some ethos, but also, it’s nice to form a quick opinion of who you are — because let’s face it, that’s what this is about.
13. A photo with the parents/grandparents. This is always welcome, very similar to the small children/pet photo. This works wonders. Bonus points for mom or grandparents.
14. None of your photos are you in bed or you showing too much of what your mother supplied you with. You are a tasteful man and cameras don’t need to see you first thing in the morning.
15. You listed your favorite book.
16. You come across as a confident and respectful gentleman. What was that sound? Oh, nothing, just the panties of ladies aged 21-24 across your 4mi search radius dropping.