1. Someone who is uncannily good at deciphering IKEA directions and using toddler-sized Allen wrenches.
2. A guy who happens to be phenomenal at hand-making delicate buttery croissants. But he also wakes up hours before you to make them so that they are ready when you arise, and you don’t have to wait around growing angry at the world and then you just end up eating Frosted Flakes and now you’re not hungry anyway… that does NOT mean you’re not going eat 4 croissants, whoa.
3. Someone who never suggests active dates within the first three months of dating is definitive husband material. They respect you and they have a deep appreciation for how ugly a person can look climbing up a fucking cliff. Are we mountain goats? Why are we doing this? Are you testing me for sure-footedness?
4. A guy with no idea what his astrological sign is. That sounds resplendent doesn’t it? Don’t you dare use the phrase “Jupiter is in retrograde” and then try to be a man around me.
5. Someone who smells like Auntie Anne’s pretzels at all times. That’s never going to go out of style. Imagine waking up to that? Only possible downside: not getting any pretzels out of this deal.
6. Look for a guy who is the main shareholder in Starbucks stock. How could this go wrong? The relationship is built on skinny hazelnut lattes. You’re golden, Ponyboy. Now you just gotta stay that way.
7. Someone who used to date Taylor Swift or Adele. They are a heartbreaker, yes, but they’ve also probably seen. some. shit. So like, it’s nbd what you do. You aren’t setting fire to rain or comparing your guys’ love story to tragic literary romances, so like, you’re probably normal in comparison.
8. A person who keeps that little iPhone headphone dock thing, and re-wraps up their headphones every single time. They are likely responsible and when you guys are celebrating your 14th Christmas together, your lights will still be just as untangled as the day you bought them. Also they like to “wrap things up” so maybe no surprise babies??? (Science hasn’t supported this claim yet).
9. Someone who can spell necessarily correct on the first try, because, damn! Intelligence is hot.
10. A guy who has tried Taco Bell breakfasts. You’ve got an adventurer on your hands, don’tcha?
11. Someone who never made a Harlem Shake parody video. Props to them for standing firmly on the side of reason.
12. Definitely seek out a guy who doesn’t hang up on arduous customer service calls. Imagine the patience he’s going to have when you agonize over which type of cactus to nurture into maturity.
13. Related: marry a guy who has Siri call him something funny. There’s nothing greater than Siri saying, “How can I help you, O! Captain My Captain?” Literary to boot! Swoon.
14. Look for a husband who has a secret place that only he has after-hours access to. I don’t really know the purpose of this, but guys always have these in the movies. Might be creepy the first time, but just roll with it. The worst that happens is that you get brutally murdered.
15. Marry a guy who high fives you after every successful sexual encounter. In the words of the Spice Girls: all you need is positivity.
16. If he doesn’t roll with your plans to provide everyone at your wedding night-vision goggles as a wedding favor, he’s not husband material.
17. A good test for a good husband is if he has ever saved children from drowning. That means he’s a strong swimmer. Good. He’ll need it. He also may value offspring, which isn’t as important, but might come in handy.
18. Does he usually win at Monopoly? Weird. Never even heard of someone finishing that game, but if he has that kind of persistence, imagine what he’s going to be like in bed.
19. If the man you’re dating owns a toaster that can toast four slices of bread at once, you know he’s going to treat his lady right. Seriously, that appliance can only do one fairly basic thing, and he still has the most luxurious model.
20. Look for a guy who carries around water with him. This is purely practical. You don’t want some dehydrated basic bitch husband.
21. If your guy has been to space, that is probably a good sign. He passed a lot of tests (smart), is likely in fairly good shape (fit), and has better stories than Heather’s husband who lost his ear to a tiger in Nepal one time trying to save triplet orphans. Fucking Heather.
22. If you’re dating a man who doesn’t give two shits what you name your children — KEEPER ALERT! You get the naming rights here, and that’s at least 48% of the reason to have kids: to get to name something. Jaxxxxon & Delaney-Anne-Butterflies, here we come!
23. Look for a guy who keeps his inbox at zero. That’s a responsible man you got on your hands. He’s prompt, he’s a go-getter, he isn’t afraid of correspondence!
24. Keep an eye on the horizon for a man who likes the parts of Chex Mix that you don’t like. That’s gonna be a simpatico marriage. Any time you’re about to fight, just rip open a bag of some party mix and hand that guy those stale-ish pretzels that he loves. Sharing is caring, or something like that.
25. Put a ring on it stat if you find a man who works for the DMV and can get you around the lines. That’s valuable. Never give that away. Doesn’t matter what your compatibility is — this man might be your ticket to everlasting sanity.