You Don’t Want To Date A Funny Girl

You don’t actually want a funny girl. You want a girl with a sense of humor, you say, a girl who can dish it out and call you on your bullshit. You say that. ALL you boys say that. But you don’t want that. Not in the least.

You want a fun girl. NOT a funny girl. There is a mile-wide chasm between the two.

A fun girl is willing to dance on the table in a tutu and knee high socks and a baseball cap and her sorority t-shirt in some weird amalgam of a costume while taking vodka shots, blowing a whistle and point-dancing with her “main ladies.” (Oh my Christ, that was a lot of “ands.”)

A funny girl is solidly on the ground, sipping some irrelevant drink, making snarky-but-hilarious comments about the whole scene. You probably have written her off as a female-hating bitch, despite the fact that she’s also making sarcastic comments about the douchey frat guys too. Boo, she’s so mean.

A fun girl is going to quickly gloss over that awful news story because it’s unhappy. She will empathize nicely, and then move right along, back to the flirty, fun times you two were having.

A funny girl is going to say something wildly inappropriate about the tragedy. Something that might make you question if she’s has a soul, if you don’t get her sense of humor.

If you really want a funny girl, you won’t be turned off by this twisted darkness.

Oh, you’re saying that the funny girl you want isn’t rude or sick like that? She’s supposed to be nice-funny! GOOD LUCK. Funny and nice are not 100% mutually exclusive, but they are sort of like George W. Bush and poetry — you aren’t going to catch them in the same room often.

Think of all the comedians (male or female) you know. How many of them seem genuinely “sweet” or “innocent”? Not many. Yes, there are about four or five that are. But honestly, if you want funny, you generally have to tip the scales in favor of sarcasm, wit, snark, rudeness, tragedy, and so on. In the words of Mark Twain, “The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”

A fun girl is going to giggle her way into bed with you, possibly while fluttering her eyelashes to draw attention to her Bambi-level doe eyes. Oh, she seems spontaneous. Yay for the fun girl! She seems vibrant and enthusiastic. She knows how to let loose and have a good time.

A funny girl is going to be laughing — nay, cackling during sex sometimes. I mean, sex is truly ripe with humor. Sorry she finds it funny that all the shampoo bottles came crashing down during shower sex like some bad, cliche porno. It is funny. Sincerest apologies she’s trying not to think about that time someone was stirring mac n’ cheese and she said it sounded like sex so now she’s trying to not think about Velveeta & Shells.

That’s what you’re going to get with a funny girl.

A fun girl has a great smile.

A funny girl has a great smirk.

These funny girl traits? Yeah, these are not things that make girls “hot.” Sorry, but guys tend to be looking for feminine, girly, kind, girls who laugh at their jokes. That’s what you all mean when you say you want a girl with a sense of humor. Please stop claiming you want a funny girl who will call you on your bullshit and challenge you, when you keep picking girls who are simply willing to lavish laughter on you for your pedestrian jokes.

It’s just like when ladies profess desire for “nice guys.”

But that’s a whole other essay.