1. The “Where Is My Life Going?” Heart-to-Heart
This Heart-to-Heart will occur after going to a networking event where you spend most of the time in the bathroom crying after a snarky over-achiever pretends to be worried about only having had three political internships but really was just trying to get validation for their success. Humble-brag my ass, that was a brag-brag. It will probably take place with a close friend over a cafeteria-style meal in the early evening or with your roommate over a bowl of late night cereal. One of you will mention someone super successful and you will both simultaneously exclaim: “Where is my life going?? Why can’t I be as together as them???” After this exclamation the conversation will probably go something like this:
“But actually, I have no idea what I want to do with my life…”
“Me neither, you at least have your College Dems thing going for you.”
“I’m just so scared of turning into my parents and I only joined Dems because I like West Wing and free pizza.”
Eventually you will both resolve that you’re still young and have time to figure it out and at least you’re both kind of lost. That, or you will cry and leave to binge watch Netflix and feel dejected.
2. The Body Image Heart-to-Heart
This Heart-to-Heart will come late at night after a long and exasperating day of work or sitting in a coffee shop surrounded by people. It will come after you see a friend struggling with her self-image or after Dove posts another inspirational let’s redefine beauty video. Your body will be completely comatose with exhaustion, as if carrying around these insecurities has been physically weighing you down and you can no longer support your own body. You will have this talk with a friend who you consider more than an acquaintance but less than a really good friend. Afterwards you will probably be closer or at least feel like you have a much deeper understanding of them and a private bond you feel the need to protect and keep secret. You will call each other strong and beautiful and you will feel comfortable going to them in the future when you’re feeling particularly insecure.
3. The “I Want To Break Societal Norms and Do What Makes Me Happy” Heart-to-Heart
This Heart-to-Heart will come after a particularly hard period at work or school. You will be fed up with chasing murky and seemingly unattainable dreams that you’re not even sure are yours anymore. You probably also just became jaded about the government and have lost all hope that it is possible to be happy in adult life working a 9-5 job. You know that physical activity/art/music make you happy and everyone has always said to do what makes you happy so why not give it a go? Why not quit school or your job and do what you love? You could be a yoga teacher or a soccer coach or a potter! You will be at the Apple store or J. Crew when this Heart-to-Heart takes place. It will be with a person working behind the Genius Bar or as a sales associate. You will sense in them this mutual need to be free and the conversation will flow naturally. You will both vow to find a way to make this happen. You will both return to your lives but slightly in love (not sure with what or who) and with a refreshed faith that kindred spirits exist.
4. The Family Problems Heart-to-Heart
This Heart-to-Heart will bring you extremely close with whomever you have it. While all Heart-to-Hearts involve gut-spilling, this one in particular is of the soul-emptying variety. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has some sort of family problem at some point or other. The Heart-to-Heart will take you by surprise, coming out when someone else hints at his or her own family problems. After dancing around the topic, playing a really elaborate game of cat and mouse, one of you will finally crack and lay it all out on the table. The openness and honesty of one will prompt the other to share as well. You will both be grateful for your families after the Heart-to-Heart because while you have your own messed up shit to deal with, you would never want to be in the situation of your fellow Heart-to-Hearter.
5. The I Want A Significant Other or the I Hate My Significant Other Heart-to-Heart
This Heart-to-Heart will occur over a bottle of wine (Jack if you’re a guy?) or during a chick-flick (while playing video games if you’re a guy? Do guys even have Heart-to-Hearts about this? I’m so confused, can someone enlighten me?). It can take on two forms. One is the weepy why am I alone, what have I done to deserve this, why won’t anyone love me, don’t I deserve happiness type? The other is also weepy but for different reasons. It’s an, I realize I’m not in a good place, I don’t love/even like my significant other and we both deserve better type. This Heart-to-Heart will consist of several commiserations, many pep talks, lots of hugging, and plenty of chick-flick references to remind you that happiness could be just around the corner. This Heart-to-Heart serves the purpose of shattering the isolating illusion that you are the only one who is alone/unhappy and through it you will realize that everyone is. Misery loves company!