23 Regrettable Lies I Have Told (From Ages 10 To 25)

Ages 10-14.

1. My parents own a toy store.

2. I have a horse.

3. I totally know that you cannot get pregnant if a dog humps your leg.

4. I was a model for Bon Appetit magazine.

5. I did not write “Megan Nadira is lezzie” in the 6th grade girl’s bathroom.

6. I totally know what “is lezzie” means.

7. Rory Lancier asked me out, we went to the movies, and he kissed me. If you ask him, he will deny it. But he’s just sore because I dumped him.

8. I have the new, yet to be released They Might Be Giants Album. The one with Ana Ng on it.

9. I do not smoke cigarettes! I just collect Marlboro Miles!

10. I kicked two girls’ asses and let a boy fingerbang me under a palm tree while visiting my grandparents in Florida.

Ages 14-17.

11. I did not write the graffiti about myself that reads “Fiona Helmsley killed JFK” in the art room bathroom.

12. I totally know that you cannot get pregnant from anal sex.

13. Renee and I did not spend the money that you gave her for her supposed abortion on pot, an inflatable canoe, Indiana Jones hats, and freeze dried moon food at the Army Navy Store.

14. I am not hiding stolen stereo equipment for Kevin Roderick in the backyard! I have no idea how those stereos got there! I’m being framed!

15. Those are not pot plants that you just saw me watering in the backyard! They’re wild flowers!

16. I did not steal the red Birkenstock clogs from the back room of the bakery where Marie works.

17. We are going to Renee’s dad’s vacation house on Long Island, not to see the Grateful Dead at Nassau Coliseum, minus any tickets or accommodations.

18. I lost my ego through repeated LSD use.

19. I got a 1600 on my SATS.

Ages 17-25.

20. You have the biggest penis I have ever seen! Oh right, like I said, I haven’t seen any other penises. Besides my dad’s, of course, on accident. (Still traumatized.)

21. I have multiple, fantastic orgasms with you every time. Sex with you is a veritable Russian nesting doll of orgasms, one orgasm opening up to the next.

22. I did not give you crabs. You must have gotten them from your mother’s trailer.

23. I have been late to work every day for the past week because I’m harvesting my eggs for an infertile couple and every morning I have to go to the hospital to get blood work done.