Though Rings of Power snagged the biggest headlines last weekend, there was another series, Kaos, which premiered simultaneously but flew under the radar on winged feet. Perhaps Netflix thought it had a real chance of competing with Rings of Power by releasing this fantasy series about Greek mythology at the same time, but who were they kidding? IP beats original programming any day of the week! Thus, Kaos has been seen by practically no one, despite starring Jeff Goldblum. That said, I’m still deeply confused by how sexy Jeff Goldblum is in this show, despite having been nearly 70 when he filmed this. Where did that rizz come from? Is he taking pills? Can I speak with his dealer? Anyway, Goldblum’s performance as a charismatic pansexual Zeus got me thinking about other hot pop culture gods who can get it. Here they are, and you’re welcome.
Dionysus in Kaos
Zeus isn’t the only god in Kaos who has me changing my Grindr location to Mount Olympus. There’s also Nabhaan Rizwan as his son Dionysus, who’s somehow both a pansexual king and a sad boi with a heart of ambrosia. All he wants is for Daddy to notice him, but Daddy is too busy worrying about his number of Twitter followers. Who doesn’t want a sad boi that they can fix? Dionysus just needs to learn how to properly clash patterns, because his sense of fashion physically hurts me.
Mad Sweeney in American Gods
I don’t think anyone was expecting this, but the hottest god from the series American Gods was also a leprechaun. Mad Sweeney, a perpetually angry Irishman played by Pablo Schreiber, brought alpha energy and a cute accent to this show, leading many viewers but definitely not me to fantasize about him fighting off 100 men in my honor. Anyway, this man would probably low-key become toxic after a while, but this is a list of gods who can get it – not a list of gods who can meet my mom.
Apollo in Clash of the Titans
My endorsement of Apollo’s hotness should not be read as an endorsement of this movie, which is best watched in the background as you pay your taxes or do literally anything else. But if you’re just looking for some eye candy, this movie really serves it in the form of Sam Worthington as Perseus and Luke Evans as Apollo. Every time Apollo appears to pout in his skimpy designer toga, I feel a sudden urge to be dragged across the sky in a chariot.
Hercules in Hercules
Yes, I’m talking about the animated version! You can’t tell me you didn’t watch this movie and get a funny feeling in your belly when Herc’s pecs popped out of his toga. And yes, I know he’s only a real god for like five seconds in this movie, but he flashes enough godly, charming smiles to qualify for this scientific list. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I will retreat to the bathroom and repeatedly sing “I Won’t Say (I’m in Love)” to myself in the mirror.
Xerxes in 300
Yes, he’s technically a god-king. But ooh, girl, look at that immaculate spray tan and Speedo! If it weren’t for his Autotuned “possessed by a demon” voice, Rodrigo Santoro’s Xerxes would probably make for a perfect one night stand. But hey, who says he’d have to talk? He could just summon up some chocolate fondue and grapes with those demon powers of his, and we’d be rolling. I predict that I’d hit that about 300 times.
Thor, obviously, from the MCU
Thor is the hottest Avenger in my book. (Captain America is just a little too basic for my tastes. Sorry, but “being heroic” cannot be your entire personality.) Anyway, Thor is also a god, lest we forget, and thus deserves a spot in the Mount Olympus of hotness. In addition to being impossibly fit, he has those flowing blonde locks which you can stroke whenever you’re feeling depressed. Wait, no, that’s the girl from Tangled. Anyway, he’s hot.
