What Each Zodiac Sign Does Immediately After Sex

God & Man


(March 21st to April 19th)

Immediately forgets your name.


(April 20th to May 21st)

Falls asleep.


(May 22nd to June 21st)

Gets up to make a snack and never makes it back to bed because they got distracted and ended up binge watching an entire season of Black Mirror on the couch.


(June 22nd to July 22nd)

Lays there quietly cuddling you while arguing with themselves silently about whether you will name your fourth child “Willow” or “Sabrina”.


(July 23rd to August 22nd)

They re-visualize every moment it seemed like you were really enjoying yourself and using it to boost their own ego.


(August 23rd to September 22nd)

They give you a list of feedback about things you could improve next time.


(September 23rd to October 22nd)

Fishes for compliments.


(October 23rd to November 22nd)

Lays there silently feeling vulnerable and regretting having gotten close enough to another person that any kind of intimate physical touch took place.


(November 23rd to December 21st)

Wonders if you’d be weirded out if they got up and brought a few beers back to bed.


(December 22nd to January 20th)

Asks you to get up and shower.


(January 21st to February 18th)

Pillow talks about aliens.


(February 19th to March 20th)

Cries. TC mark

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