Some Thoughts On The (Wonderful) Things I’ll Never Admit To Your Face
How you use my full name with such an infliction that I feel like some sort of celebrity or something. How you make me feel like a celebrity even though that was something I never thought I’d want to feel like. How your compliments hold as much weight as your insults which is why, no matter how much you piss me off, I know I’ll never be able to fully let you go. Sometimes you hurt me so bad that I want to try. But I know I’ve hurt you too and you still say my name like everyone should know me, and I can never seem to stay mad quite long enough to forget that.
That I’m actually somewhat grateful for how amusing you find my fears. That the way you laugh when I get scared simultaneously makes me want to smack you but then thank you for helping me realize how ridiculous the fear actually is. That I really don’t have anything to be afraid of. That I’m not this victim of the world I so often play the role of. That my utter humiliation just serves as a reminder of how badly I want to impress you because I know you see how much more I could be, even when I can’t see it myself.
That you accept the parts of me that aren’t oh-so-great. That you point them out to me without reserve, but then welcome me to be the flawed person that I am. That you help me find a way to laugh about them and push me to forget anyone else who tries to make me feel bad about them.
That you are brave enough to show me the parts of you that aren’t so great. That you do it with such an unapologetic attitude that it makes me want to be more of myself too, flaws and all. That you are so upfront about your pain, or lack of feeling anything at all. I wish I could be more honest like that.
That you have seen me at my physical, mental and emotional ugliest and you’ve never held it against me. You’ve never made me feel like it somehow lessened my worth. Even with your stupid fleeting petty comments about this or that, it can’t outweigh this overarching tangible freedom that I only feel when I’m around you.
Because the truth is that all of the self-care, meditation and long talks can’t do for my tension what your sense of humor does. It’s not even like the troubles melt away or anything like that. It’s like there were never any troubles to begin with and I can’t fathom a time when I wasn’t laughing. Just full on, open-mouthed, head back laughter. You probably think I laugh like that all the time, that I’m some giggle-princess who laughs like that at everything. I don’t and I’m not, but I won’t admit it to you because I don’t want you to know how much of a hold you have on me. That’s a fear that I’m not so sure you would find funny.
I’m sorry that I can’t say it to your face, but I had to write it somehow. I won’t say those three words because that’s way too easy and it’s been done too many times before. But I will say in all honesty that knowing you makes it so much easier to fall in love with the life I’ve been given.
And I just really hope you stay. 