1. Norovirus
I had norovirus, and was pissing out of my ass on the toilet while throwing up in the bathtub simultaneously. Afterward, I was pretty light headed and laid down on the bathroom floor. When the next wave came I was too weak to get up and Just shit all over myself and eventually fell asleep on the floor.
2. At The Vet’s Office
I was working at a veterinary office and a client came in with his cat as an emergency. The cat was stiff as a board and in this really unnatural position (I’m pretty sure it was seizing, but didn’t find out what happened with it because…). I grabbed it, cradled it, rushed it to the treatment area and turned it over to a doctor. As soon as I handed it over I saw that the cat basically had been oozing (a lot of) bloody diarrhea and it was all over my shirt, my arm, and in my hair. The smell was rank (all the vet staff out there know what kind of smell I mean). I have longish, thick hair, and it was coated in fecal matter from my shoulder down. One of the kennel staff ended up helping me wash my hair with strawberry oatmeal pet shampoo with my head hanging over our grooming tub. Just thinking about it makes me want to puke.
3. Like Cottage Cheese
When I was about 14-15, I had a blocked salival gland,
we went and saw the doctor, got referred to a specialist a few weeks later.
Finally get in, and this thing is like a huge black worm attached to the bottom of my tongue.
The specialist takes my mom into the other room and apparently says to my mom, “We can operate… but there will be a waiting list and it’s expensive…. or I can just deal with it now”
So my mother chose the expedient option, they gave me a cup of mouth rinse which was supposed to numb my mouth….
He then held my tongue with a pair of forceps and starting chopping at the blocked gland with a pair of scissors…
Suddenly it ruptured spilling an unmentionable volume of cottage cheese like substance throughout my mouth and continued to erupt disgustingness like I have never physically felt before.
I’ve almost puked twice writing this, it was nasty and it smelled and tasted exactly like you would think one of those awful cheeselike blackheads you see being popped on youtube videos.
Really hate getting anything under my tongue ever since.
4. Don’t Get Addicted To Pain Killers
I got really addicted to pain killers, really bad. They can fuck you up in a bunch of ways. One of the side effects is constipation. I had an episode where I couldn’t shit but was beyond backed up. I almost passed out from pushing too hard. It was literally ripping me open. I decided to go in with two fingers and break it. It worked and I whimpered. After I was done I took a bunch more pills to get over what had happened. I must have washed my hands for 30 minutes. Between the blood and smell, it scarred my soul
I got sober shortly after that, a month or so later. Fingering your bottom can bring you close to rock bottom.
5. The Survivor
A fly wedged itself into my eye and got under my eyelid. I ran while twitching like crazy across a football field sized playground and asked somebody to help and they pulled it out. It survived.
6. Drinking From The Wrong Bottle
I accidentally sipped from my old roommate’s spit bottle. It was a Gatorade bottle full of black chunky spit and I was drinking a Gatorade. Set my Gatorade next to the spitter and wasn’t paying attention. Took a big ol’ gulp of that nastiness. I vomited it up, which was also gross.
7. A Butt Cyst
I had a pilonidal cyst. They appear on the lower back/right above the butt. It started draining pus before I went to the doctor and a guy in my math class said, “It smells like cheese.” That was the rotten smell of the pus. Also, in history class, someone said there was a bad smell, and blamed it on their wet Uggs. I’m pretty sure that was my cyst too.
Pretty disgusting. My sister said to never talk to her about my cyst again, and I haven’t.
8. From Both Ends
Was traveling in Guatemala one summer and got pretty bad travelers diarrhea or “Guat gut,” in addition to my girlfriend. We both felt like shit and were pooping wet, sloppy diarrhea out of our asses every hour. Like many places without modern plumbing, we weren’t supposed to flush the toilet paper.
As you can imagine, it got pretty rank in there between the two of us. Well, after a couple days and several bottles of pepto, I went to the washroom and the smell just hit me. And in combination with my upset stomach, I couldn’t hold it down. I immediately vomited what little I had in my stomach all over the sink.
This wasn’t the worst part, however, since the effort of puking broke my concentration that was holding in the next watery dump I was about to take. So there I am, bile dripping from my mouth, I shat myself.
After I cleaned myself up, I wept and just rolled into a ball in the shower.
3/10, wouldn’t do again.
9. The Stream Of Death never Stopped
This is from a time when I was in Paramedic school:
I was doing a rotation in the local trauma unit and I watched as EMS and Fire wheeled a 500lb man into the trauma bay. The stench that followed him curled my nose hair. It was HORRIFIC. The poor Medics and Fire Fighters were absolutely pale and several of them took refuge over at the nurse’s station. I wandered over and a Medic I knew personally was physically crying. He was leaning over the counter, tears streaming down his face as he just kept saying, “The shit…the shit was everywhere! I couldn’t stop puking!”
I assumed he was talking about a hoarder’s house; I once walked into a home where there was a quarter inch of water on the floor and come to find out, the occupants of the home were urinating/defecating on the floor. I’ve seen some shit when it comes to hoarder homes…but the Doc was telling everyone to go into a different room so they could get bloodwork and that they had to take the ambulance out of service so it could be professionally decontaminated before use again.
I heard a commotion behind me and I turn around to see a nurse stumbling out of the trauma bay, an emesis bag we affectionately call a ‘Horse Condom’ held to her face and she was puking noisily into the bag. The Doc looked at me with a look of horror and we both walked into the bay.
As we pushed the doors open, we were met by a wall of stank. It smelled so bad, the smell had its own texture, taste, and feel. You could literally feel the scent trying to skull fuck you into unconsciousness. The patient was lying on two beds that were hastily strapped together and there was a pool of green, greasy diarrhea on the floor around him. It ran off the bed in little oh-fuck-this rivers. The patient would moan and more would come squirting out with the worst squishy and moist farts I’ve ever heard. I stood by the door frozen in place. The Doc stood next to me, a 30-year veteran…and he began to puke noisily into the biohazard container next to me. I followed suit in the scrub basin. I have been into hoarder homes that were covered in feces that smelled better than the death pit I just walked into.
Slowly, we recollected ourselves and the idea was to put in Flexiseal (think foley cath for your ass) and get the patient cleaned up. I was tasked with holding open the patient’s asscheeks to slam the Flexiseal in and also to help clean up the patient as we went.
It took 45 minutes to put the Flexiseal in. The stream of death never stopped. By the time we were done, we were all covered in all manners of yuck. The trauma bay was split into two rooms with a wall and we all had to go into the other trauma bay to strip down into hospital gowns, then we ran off to take showers in the locker room.
I’ve never felt so dirty in my life. C-Diff is a cunt.
10. A Horrible Misunderstanding
When I was a new grad, I had to give an enema to a patient who had chronic constipation. I was face to face with her ass (yeah rookie mistake) to see where exactly to place it, since I didn’t want it to go up in her vagina instead. Anyway, while I was looking straight at her asshole, she farted loooong and loud. Okay, grossed out with the horrendous smell that I whiffed but had to finish it, so I put the enema in and when the solution was finished, told her to not bear down and relax before I pull out. She said “okay.” I should not have trusted that “okay.” When I pulled it out, a mix of enema solution and poop blasted from her ass and got all over my scrubs since she thought I said to bear down once I removed the enema. Later found out that she had history of C. Diff.
11. Gallons Of Animal’s Blood
I worked at a lab that processed literally hundreds of gallons of blood from various farm animals a day. Part of the job was cleaning out tubes of red blood cells and serum that had coagulated into a gelatinous mass with my fingers. Hundreds of these tubes a day, thousands in a week, and this was only one of six different animal bloods I dealt with regularly.
12. Trapped Insects
I worked in a lab that studied the effects of certain insect pests on crops. Part of studying these insects included setting up sticky traps for them so we could put a number on how many of these bugs were in the fields. The traps were basically a piece of PVC with two pieces of laminated paper mounted on top perpendicular to one another forming a cross shape. On the paper we’d paint the sticky glue that the bugs would get stuck to. If you’ve ever seen one of those brown sticky fly traps, it was like that but designed a little differently. The thing was, my boss didn’t want to waste these things and they were hard to make, so after we’d leave these things out in the middle of a field for about a week, collecting every kind of bug imaginable, we’d do our bug counts, and then my job was to use a freaking paint scraper to scrape an inch-thick layer of bugs off these traps and apply fresh sticky substance. A freaking paint-scraper…. I’d slide the paint scraper over a thick layer of bugs, wipe it on a plastic bag or piece of cardboard, and do it all again. Meanwhile, the sticky glue bug mixture would get all over my hands and arms.
13. In The Retail Public Restroom
I worked in retail for 15 years and we had public restrooms. The worst thing is when someone has a bad time in the restroom and handles it poorly. Imagine a fine splatter of diarrhea covering the entire toilet and much of the wall as well as fingerprints on the wall, the stall door, and the door of a neighboring stall. Now if you have poop on your hands you need to go to the sink – this involves getting poop on the sink and surrounding countertop. This person also got poop on their shoes and/or it was trailing from their pants leaving footprints across the floor. When I saw the extent of the carnage I knew from past experience that the rest of the store needed to be checked for poop trail. The trail seemed to start off to the side of the building and wind its way back to the restroom leaving little poo droplets. When departing the store the chose a different path and that trail was more smears/footprints. This was all in CARPET and the distance from the front of the store to the restroom was a good solid 100 feet. It took 3 people over an hour to clean up, we had to go to the store for extra cleaning supplies and some lady yelled at one of the people working of the trail about spraying cleaning chemicals in public where her children would smell them.
Later in the day the restroom still smelled like death so I went back to investigate further and found poop on the paper towel holder and soiled underpants crammed into the tiny in the stall trashcan that is for feminine hygiene items. There was also some larger unidentifiable item of clothing in the larger trash can by the door.
I am glad I no longer work in retail.
14. Stomach Flu. Period.
Stomach flu. On my period. In summer.
Just..so many fluids, from so many places.
15. Disgusting Beyond Words
When I was a very stupid teenager, I was working under the table for a local restaurant. One day, the owner asks me if I’d like to make some extra cash. See, they were the former owners of a catering business, and they used to use this rental unit kitchen on the other side of town, but they hadn’t used it in three years, and the lease was up. So for $5 an hour, they wanted me and this other guy to go over there and clean it up, so the new tenants could get moved in.
The place had no electricity and hadn’t for a couple years, so when we opened the door, only darkness greeted us. Darkness, and a blast of the most revolting, putrid air I have ever experienced.
I have cleaned animal corpses out of my wood shed. I have wrestled with a badly skunked German Shepherd. I have been to Newark, New Jersey. But NOTHING compares to the fucking stench of that old, black kitchen.
It was as if, three years ago, the place had been in full swing, preparing for a banquet, when suddenly everyone dropped what they were doing and ran away, never to return. Pots full of rot stood on cold, cobwebbed stoves. Chafing dishes sat lined up in the insulated hot box that was the fridge, brimming with curdled remnants of leftovers.
Knives and ladles still lay across the work surfaces, with the stains and goop of rotten food still on them. The trash cans were full of trash, which had decomposed, along with the bags, into evil black soup.
I still do not understand how it was left in that condition. It didn’t make any sense. But that other dope and I spent hours gagging on the miasma of preposterous neglect, shoveling rotten biomass out of a dark, dank building by flashlight.
I felt filthy on the inside for days after that. I felt like something, or many horrible things, must have invaded my mouth and lungs and poisoned me. It was disgusting beyond my ability to explain, and I’m trying.
I recently tried to play the new Resident Evil, and I can’t. Its not the screaming rednecks- its the dark, festering house, and the pots full of death, and the fridge full of rot and filth. It takes me right back to that kitchen and I want to vomit. I feel like I need a shower just from remembering this.
16. Spider Pizza
Unknowingly getting a spider caught under my pizza, taking a bite and ending up with chewed pizza and spider in my mouth.
The wriggling, feeling like having multiple hairs in the pizza and the flavor I can’t quite describe gave it away.
17. Had To Call His Mom
While shitting my guts out I puked into my underwear. I was at a fancy restaurant hiding in the loo. Had to call my mom to help me.
18. Childbirth
Looking at the wall directly in front of me, splattered in blood was pretty shocking. I don’t even what to know what my nethers looked like when my son was coming out.
19. Worst Experience In The Marine Corps
After boot camp, the first stop for Marines is Combat Training. For the Infantry guys, it’s their job training; for everyone else, it’s a month-long course that involves weapon familiarization, (Here’s how to shoot an M249 just in case shit hits the fan) hiking, patrolling, room-clearing, etc. The entire thing is a full month of training; there aren’t any days off. After a week of indoctrination, we went out into the field for two weeks, hiking from the firing range to firing range, bivouacking in shelter halves every night. No showers, no laundry, etc. We were disgusting.
Anyway, for our final week, we went to Camp Devildog, which is a pretend FOB. It has guard towers, checkpoints, trenches, sandbags, and lots of roads coming to and from the base. It also has toilets and showers. We were all very happy with this.
That night, our sergeant grabbed a bunch of people, myself included, for a work detail. We were to clean the bathrooms, of which there were five – three for the men, two for the women (480 men, 120 women). They were similar to public bathrooms you’d find at a campsite, with a bunch of stalls, a bunch of showers, and a huge pig-trough urinal. Hey, no problem. We’ve all cleaned toilets before. The male toilets were kinda gross but serviceable. Toilet paper here, some hair there, whatever.
When we walked into the female bathrooms, however, it was like the shower music from Psycho started playing. We were physically unprepared for the stench and the sight of a bathroom so defiled and desecrated. I’ll start listing the different “discrepancies.”
- Every woman had shaved her legs in the shower area. This clogged the drains and flooded the floor. The drains further away from the showers were also clogged, as the hair had floated over to those drains and clogged them too.
- Toilet paper everywhere, to the point that it carpeted the floor in some places.
- As toilet paper kinda-sorta dissolves in water, there are lumps of soggy paper everywhere, mixed in with the hair.
- They had shit in the urinal. As shit doesn’t flush very well, it clogged the urinal.
- They had taken exception to the urinal being clogged, and had covered the shit with toilet paper. They then shit on top of said toilet paper, covered it with more, and repeated. This created a fetid shit lasagna that ran through the entire pig-trough urinal.
- Each toilet was similar to the urinal, as each woman had used approximately 4.2 metric shittons of toilet paper and clogged it. More shit lasagna was then created.
- Tampons everywhere, floating around like shipwrecked sailors on a hairy, papery sea.
We went “Oh… oh fuck. Fuck this.” One of us went to tell the sergeant what was going on while the rest of us surveyed the damage.
Said private came back with bad news – the sergeant apparently didn’t appreciate the magnitude of the Bathroom Atrocity and had told him to fuck off. We were on our own.
So, we cleaned. We triple-bagged our hands and scooped out handfuls of shit and toilet paper from the urinals and toilets. We used the inch of standing water and later the showers to assist in collecting the hair; we unclogged the drain, let more hair accumulate, and repeated until it was down to a reasonable level. We fished out the tampons. And the whole time, we consoled ourselves by saying “What the fuck” over and over and over again. It took us five hours. After we finished, we reported to the sergeant that we were done and got yelled at for taking so long.
By far my worst experience in the Marine Corps. 0/10 would not enlist again.
20. Cadaver Shit
Table next to mine in the dissection lab perforated the cadaver’s bowel while opening up the abdomen. These weren’t fresh cadavers either, it had taken us about four months of study to get around to opening the abdomen plus however long the poor guy had been dead for until we started our dissection. The smell of the cadavers at that point in the year wasn’t great to begin with, let alone with congealed, rotting bowel contents thrown in the mix.
21. The Hero We Need
I clogged the toilet in one of my high school’s bathrooms, and I’m not that guy who leaves poop in public toilets, so I wrapped my hand in a bunch of toilet paper, physically separated the poop (without it touching my skin, mind you), flushed it successfully, and then furiously washed my hands and left.
I still think about it a lot.
22. Clearing The Clog
All right listen up kids let me tell you a story.
The plumbing in our bathroom clogged up because the previous owner did some custom DIY plumbing and it turned out terribly. It works, barely. It would be way to expensive to fix so we just have to deal with it.
One day it clogged, i’m talking a system wide backup and the only way to fix it is opening up this one pipe and letting the pressure of the water push out the clog. Now the way it’s set up is that the pipe you have to open is connected to the toilet. You can see where i’m going with this.
I was all alone and had no one to help me because i opted to stay home while my parents visit family far away. I go to flush my toilet after a long dump, lo’ and behold it doesn’t flush. I knew what i had to do, so i go outside and pop the top to pipe and let the water flow out, some toilet paper comes out as well and i think that’s it. Go back inside and try to flush, it doesn’t go down. I go back outside and pop the top again and let it go through. I do this a few times so i say “Fuck, maybe the clog is deeper in”, so i grab a hanger and bend it so that i can poke it into the pipe. That doesn’t work so i swallow my pride, crouch down and reach my hand in there. My hand is engulfed in warm liquid, a mixture of piss and water. I gag and push through it, my hand hits the clog. It was a mixture of those “flushable” wipes and toilet paper. I resist the urge to vomit and push deeper into it and rip the clog out. Suddenly there was a rush of water and i get covered in a wave of brown liquid and i get feel chunks of shit hitting my arm in the pipe, i start vomiting and it gets all over me. I rip my arm out of the pipe and in doing so launched chunks of broken feces into my face and some lands on my lips and mouth. I vomit even more, i was vomiting every fiber of my being. I get light headed and fall to my knees, right into a puddle of shit stew. More vomit escapes from my mouth before dragging my self into my house, stripping away my shit covered clothes and just scrubbing every inch of my body with as many types of soaps as i could find and scorching hot water.
I walked out of that shower looking like a bright red prune that smelled like coconut covered roses.
