When I realized I was blaming other people for my problems and I wasn’t actually being nice or myself.
Honestly, it was a post on 4chan. Somebody started a thread on /b calling out neckbeards for thinking that women where like vending machines, where you could put a friendship coin in and get sex in exchange.
I know it wasn’t aimed at me directly, but I realised that I ticked pretty much every box that was mentioned. While the rest of the thread dissolved into rage and shitposting I took a step back and felt like I’d been kicked in the teeth. I made the decision then that I was going to change. While I’m not a fully functioning member of society yet, I’m in a much better place with myself mentally, I’ve lost a lot of weight, and am starting to gain self-confidence.
I realized I was a “nice guy” when I watched a video on dating, and the guy pointed out that if you treat a girl better than your best male friend, chances are you’re trying to manipulate the girl into liking you. That made the proverbial penny drop, and I immediately realized that I was being nice and helpful hoping that the girl would see how nice I was and fuck me in return.
It kind of dawned on me over the course of a year, but I hit a tipping point.
There was this one girl who I would do stupid stuff for, like spend $100s on birthday gifts and always drive her places. She had a boyfriend for most of the time I knew her and I would buy her nicer stuff than her boyfriend did. We kind of fell out of touch when I moved an hour away for work, but we planned a day where I would visit her in her hometown 2 hours away, which meant I had to drive since she didn’t have a car. She was also single at this point, so I had all of these nice guy ideas running in my head. So I go and pick her up and we go out for dinner and catch up a bit. I end up paying (it wasn’t a lot, $40 for the whole dinner) and we go back to her place to hang out. We walk into her house (she’s living with her parents) and her 16-year-old brother is there. He looks at me and asks “so you paid for dinner didn’t you?” I was kinda taken aback and didn’t know how to answer, and he said, “she never has to pay for her own dinner.” Something clicked in my head and I realized that I was just one of many nice guys in her life trying to win her over. I realized what I was and all the stupid shit I’d done for her over the years, and after I left, I haven’t talked to her since.
I wasn’t a 100% Nice Guy, but I had the core idea that being nice = the girl is gonna fall in love with me. So I was overly friendly, overly helpful and nice, always agreeing with her because I had this Hollywood way of seeing how love should be.
So it took me like two years to realize I wasn’t being myself, I was repressing who I truly was so I could get my dick wet. I understood then that I should be myself, even if that would cost me some friendships. I became more confident and I realized that I was satisfied with that and happy.
I wasn’t quite a “nice guy”, but I definitely had some of their retarded ideas on relationships and women.
After my first relationship ended I was really bitter about it and a huge dick, but over time I reflected back on it and came to realize she was totally right to dump me (partially because I was a doormat). I was a pretty terrible boyfriend for a long list of reasons (some beyond my control) and a lot of it was rooted in some toxic beliefs that came from the internet advice you immerse yourself in as a teen.
That breakup was an event that catalyzed a lot of introspection that I think did a lot to make me a better person in general.
I think every guy kinda goes through a phase where they don’t really understand women or relationships, especially in middle or high school. Mine lasted through high school, and I just couldn’t wrap my head around that no matter how nice I was or what I wear, a woman doesn’t owe me a relationship or sex. You can be nice, okay looking and that still isn’t enough for a woman if she isn’t attracted or interested in you. So instead of pining after her and blaming her I should move and find someone else
Realizing that simple fact changed a lot of stuff for me. I hit the gym, got a better job and did it for myself, not for the sole purpose of wooing a woman. I can be single and not be miserable, I am no longer mopey and angry with rejection, and best of all there’s no more cringy as hell Facebook posts lol.
Wasn’t exactly nice guy actually, but had whiny (don’t know how to name it) phase at the beginning of high school. I was always complaining about EVERYTHING, blaming others for my problems and doing absolutely NOTHING to change it which led to me having low self-esteem. Being constantly jealous of others having fun and being socially good overall. Wasted plenty of time doing nothing while others worked hard. Then, somewhere at the end of my HS, I started socializing with people more, going out more and having fun more, made a couple of friends that switched my life after that and together we made us better persons. I realized i can be fun to be around, to be humorous and that people actually can like me. And also started paying more attention what I wear.
Someone put me at my place. Got me thinking and realized I was going in the wrong direction and changed my ways. Being rejected isn’t pleasant, being rejected ten times in a row can create a lot of frustration, but you’re the only one to blame. So STFU and evolve.
I’m not really sure “nice guy” always connotes doormat.
To some, it might. But to others, nice guy conjures up an image of a socially awkward guy in a fedora that rages at women because holding a door open for someone doesn’t make sex pop out.
As far as my experience on this, I realized I was a “nice guy” when I realized that I viewed dating as a board game.
You go through the motions, you feign niceties, you pretend to be interested in someone…. and then bam! You get to smack dat ass!
Or so was the mentality I had. But it never worked. You can’t pretend to be nice and expect it to be received as well as genuine generosity. People pick up on that stuff. Even if they don’t know.
We all tend to have some idea of when someone is playing nice with us to get something from us. It’s not exactly discrete.
If you want to go from being a nice guy to being a good guy, you have to push past this idea that “getting the girl” will solve everything.
It’s not going to make you more attractive, it’s not going to make you smarter, it’s not going to make you more popular, etc.
Women aren’t magicians. They’re just people. And you have to realize first and foremost that relying on a woman to be a bandage over a deeper rooted issue instead of being honest with yourself and working to improve that issue…. will never turn out in your favor. Or her’s. Or anyone’s.
You have to face yourself before you can face someone else.
Yeah I feel getting over the “behaving a certain way because all girls like assholes” mentality and instead behaving a certain way (decent human being, generally nice to people, and maybe slightly nicer to romantic interests) because that’s genuinely how I behave improved everything in my life by 100%.
I realized you shouldn’t expect anything back from someone when you do a favor for them and that changed my thinking completely.
I lack the wit to list warning signs. It’s hard to know when your own intentions are bad or when you’re doing something lame. It mostly boils down to acting like a friend and trying to manipulate them for something more. Or being a bitch and not saying what you want on day one.