9. Self Diagnosis
“During my clinicals in school, I had an ER rotation.
Now, I like the ER, it’s exciting and you see some really weird shit.
I was baptized in the weird-shit puddle by a fourteen year-old chick who came in with abdominal pain.
So my preceptor (this was early in clinicals) is doing his thing and asking medical history, when he asks her if she was sexually active. She says yes, preceptor asks last sexual encounter (thinking something was up), to which she responds ‘right before I came here.’
So, preceptor asks if she can describe the nature of her pain.
She says yes.
‘It’s probably from the cucumber in my ass.’
You fucking whut?
Turns out, she had a cucumber in her ass.”
10. Doesn’t Exactly Inspire Confidence
“I was in active labor, pushing a tiny human being from my body, when a well-meaning medical student asked me if I had any history of sexual activity.”
11. A Wife’s Revenge
“My wife works in a hospital. She told me a story about a patient that presented with constipation (three days) and rectal pain. An examination found he had a rotting cucumber up his ass, which he claimed no knowledge of. Turns out he was not lying.
He had recently returned from an extended trip away from home during which he had contracted a venereal disease, which he had passed along to his wife following his return. Rather than confront him with his misdeeds, his wife decided to go straight to retribution. So she drugged his dinner one night, then administered the coup de concombre, so to speak.
Of all the possible visuals that come to mind when I think of this story, the one that I enjoy most is the wife, at the store, picking out the cucumber. ‘Yeah, this is the one…'”
12. A Simple Misunderstanding
“‘When was your last prostate exam?’
‘I don’t have one.’
‘They removed it?’
‘No I have a vagina.’