“I signed in a sixteen year-old girl who told the doctor ‘I can’t be in labor–I’ve never had sex’ as she gives her Dad a ‘please don’t kill me’ look. Ah, family moments.”
2. Messianic Pregnancies Are Common
“This happened recently at my work. Teen girl presents with abdominal pain and swears up and down that there is no way for her to be pregnant. Doc orders tests and as the lab is drawing blood, the mother asks the doc what he thinks it could be. The doc said ‘well if she claims she couldn’t be pregnant, she might have some kind of tumor or mass growing in her abdomen.’ Haha I love that Doc.
After lab results come back, it appears she is actually pregnant. Ultrasound is ordered and shows a baby that is well developed. Mom is ordered to leave the room and a vaginal exam confirms that her abdominal pain is definitely contractions from active labor.
Patient is still saying that it’s impossible. Doc orders mom from the room and goes in to tell her that no matter what she is trying to say, right now it’s time to grow the fuck up because you are going to be a mother in a few hours.”
3. Eight Times A Day
“From my time as an Army medic in Germany, circa 2003.
Had a guy report to sick call with ‘personal’ filled out on his sick call slip. Ninety nine percent of the time, this means STD or something wrong with the reproductive bits.
I was the fortunate one to pull his chart for screening. I got him into the exam room, got him to verbalize exactly what ‘personal’ reason he was in the aid station for. It was sores on his penis.
I start prepping the culture swab, and continue getting the history. How long he had the sores, when he last had sex, any burning or irritation while urinating. ‘A few days, never, and no.’
Wait, you haven’t had sex? What about sexual contact, to include oral, anal, genital on genital? ‘I’m a virgin. I’ve never been with anyone else.’
What the fuck are the sores from? ‘I’ve been masturbating a bunch.’. How much? ‘Eight times a day.’
Our PA ended up sending him back with a profile to his chain of command prohibiting masturbation more than once a day.”