Have you ever had days when you felt like no matter how hard you tried, no matter how hard you pushed yourself, it just wasn’t working? When the desire to sit still or lie in bed all day was so strong that no amount of tea could get you moving?
Three months ago, most of my days were like that. Especially when I’d wake up at around 3 am and realize how calm and sad my world was.
Despite the melancholy kicking, I’d still try to plan how my day would go: Get our of bed at 8am, eat breakfast, sit in the couch and watch TV, do my workout routine for 15 mins, bathe, watch TV, lunch, nap, and then jog at 5pm, take photos while jogging, go home, rest, bathe, eat dinner, and sleep.
Obviously, only one percent of those planned tasks were actually followed. My desire to not do anything was so strong it made me hate myself.
Sometimes I would stare at the wall of my room and just sit in my bed. Some days, I would find myself crying alone. One day, self-harm was my avenue to release all the pain and anger.
I was ruined by disappointment due to some painful experiences. One day I looked at myself in the mirror and tried to talk it all out:
“Hey! You! Yes! You! You’re such a disappointment. You’re worthless. He left you because you’re too desperate. Look at yourself. You’re jobless. How can you even lift yourself up? You are a hot mess.”
I cried. I just cried for a couple of hours. Isolated myself from people for days. No more morning routine. No more afternoon jogs. No more taking photographs of the beautiful trees and river along the way while jogging. Nothing.
I just stayed home and watched TV and ate for a week.
But when I woke up one morning, I decided to get out of the house and sit in the balcony for a couple of minutes. The sunrise was so beautiful. It felt like the sun was a symbol of new begging. Hope. Positivity. Joy. And most importantly, self-love.
This is what I realized while I was sitting at our balcony:
“You have a choice. You need to realize that you have a choice in everything. You have a choice to whether allow yourself to feed into the sad and depressing situation you are in or to close your eyes and try to go back to sleep whenever you’d wake up at 3am.
You have a choice to either get up and do your daily routine or just stay in bed the entire day and be consumed by disappointment and heartbreak.
You have a choice to still continue to be a hot mess or to love yourself regardless.”
So, whatever you’re feeling right now, I encourage you to please choose the latter. Choose to be optimistic and positive about the things that’s happening to you.
Remember that pain is temporary.
You might be hurting right now, you might even think of giving up on life. Trust me, I’ve been there, done that. Its not going to help. To allow yourself to be consumed by sadness is tiring.
So one day, when you realize you’re too tired of all the pain and sadness, please choose to do something that can make you feel better. Eat ice cream, cry, scream, run, paint — do whatever but never try to kill yourself.
You will be okay. You will be fine. Believe in yourself.
Believe that you can get through this bullshit and one day you’ll wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and you’ll be proud that your better, stronger and happier than you were a few weeks ago, a few months ago because won the fight.
But more than anything, please always remember that self-love is so important. It can move mountains and build beautiful things.
Love yourself always. Please.